Last World - Sequel to Lost Worlds
by WhatWouldValeryDo
Summary: All those emotions, questions and scenarios came rushing in as I stared at that screen. I felt my eyes sting so I didn't blink. But he avoided looking in my direction. So when for a second our eyes met I lost all my composure and spoke: "You're sitting on my throne you little shit." It was then I was certain he truly saw me.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello there you lovely people, it's been so long since I have last published but now I am back with a sequel for "Lost Worlds".**

 **We last left Valery and Hiei right after their wedding, declaring them queen and king of Demon World for the following 3 year until the next tournament. Action now taken place almost a year in the mix.**

 **Enjoy :)**

* * *

How much time can you spend being mad? What are the next steps that follow this terrifying downfall? Pain? Regret? Resignation? Rebound?

Do you wait or do you go? What risks are you willing to take regarding someone who might not even want to see you again? How would you deal with that? Would you cry, scream, curse out loud? Drop everything and turn your back?

What do you do when you can't even remember how you're gotten yourself in this type of mess? Like someone purposely erased your memories, the reason behind it. Yet they couldn't erase the feelings behind those memories, the struggles. And this is how you find yourself in a world that is not your own and know something is missing. But you can't go back and nobody is throwing you a safe line, a hint relating to the big question WHY?

Part of it you already know, keep a weapon away, seal off all doors, cut off all ties. Keep them all out of sight, out of mind, out of reach. Strip away all access to power. I am the queen of Demon World and I hate where I am now more than I hated being stuck in that realm. More than those creatures that lashed out at me. I am different, not welcomed yet something about me is inviting to them.

And now here I am, in a human body, getting old and with no access to what I used to be. You have got to be shitting me! And yet here I am sitting in one place, stuck, absolutely and from the looks of it irrevocably cemented in Human World.

I have made up countless scenarios:

 **1**. **POLITICAL**

Spirit World who initially wanted this, were the ones who also in the end invoked a new exile for me under the premises of keeping me safe. However this can only have two outcomes.

 **1.a. WAR**

The king is left to fend for himself against a new threat. If this is the case and something happens, I will destroy the very base of that rot filled world.

 **1.b. PEACE**

Don't make me laugh. If me leaving would have automatically lead to peace this should have been achieved during my exiles.

 **2\. FALLING OUT OF LOVE**

Before departing to this shit hole he was adamant that he wasn't enough for me, good for me? Along those lines I promise. So guess what his "brilliant" mind came up with? What if me and the fox would somehow magically and overnight find something that NEVER fucking was there. Left me alone with him to try and prove his point. In his opinion I craved a normal, simple human life. Somewhere, somehow all this ordeal leads to my ex human interest. So Kurama looked like the best bet. Well now, no one asked me how I felt about it.

 **3\. HE'S IN TROUBLE**

Go see 1.a. – if whoever is up there forbid is not letting me engage in helping him, someone and almost everyone will not like what I'll do. As for saying, not much will be said.

* * *

Going back to point 3, he's safe, they all are. I end up by whatever forces in a remote area that I did not know, had no way of recognizing.

Inside a well-lit room the boys minus my own are waiting so I take a seat on an available chair somewhere overlooking all of them while I tried to piece together if I was dreaming or not. They aren't talking among themselves so it's clear we are waiting for someone else to arrive so I just sit quietly, not saying a word although I had a lot I wanted to say. This is not the usual reunion, they are all too serious. The only one who looks over is Kurama. Sad eyes, pity, compassion? I don't know what I am seeing. There's this tension in the air that I don't understand. Before I can even try to put my finger down on the exact mood, he enters the room and my heart finally feels lighter and hope fills me to the point I actually feel warm inside. It's been so long, months since I last saw him.

He scans the room with a straight cold face but doesn't even reach me. No eye contact, nothing. My best bet was he caught a glimpse of me in his peripheral vision and turned away. My spot was the only way he didn't look.

Right there all hope from before shatters. I can actually hear it breaking as the sounds of my beating heart echoes in my ears. My eyes shut so tight it hurts, kaleidoscopes of colors swirling underneath my lids. I feel like crying, I scream as hard as I can in my own head.

Somehow by just this brief interaction I know I have lost him. My very core shifts and bents with my inner struggle.

Opening my eyes and barging out of the room I hear Yusuke yelling behind me "Hey, this involves you too." But all I blurred out without even looking back was "I don't belong here."

Air, I needed air. I've known Hiei for years. I've seen him angry, annoyed, embarrassed, confident, but never this cold. He was calculating every move, every blink. He knew where I was and refused to look me in the eye or address a word in my direction.

* * *

A ragging voice at the back of my head keeps bugging me to the point where I would smack it because the owner of that voice is none other than Yusuke Urameshi.

Something urges me to go back. Now that I have calmed myself over the last couple of days it's shocking how we could all meet. They must have went through some trouble to make it possible especially since some worlds just can't mix at all and never.

I will be the better woman, biggest, how does that saying go? I will find a way.

More thoughts drowned my heart in more sorrow. I have never seen him like that in all the years we have known each other. My mind raced and my stomach dropped thinking of scenarios.

 **4\. I'M TO BLAME**

What if the portion I don't remember is missing for a reason? What if I did something unimaginable, something wrong, so bad that would eventually lead to the NOW?

* * *

Everything is drenched in a shattering silence. Yet recently whispers started crowding in and I don't know if I should trust them after all these months of uncertainty. I can't hear Hiei's voice at all, but I can hear the rest. Most that I can make out is that they are fighting.

Kuwabara, bless his heart, is yelling at the top of his lungs "She's your wife damn it". His love warrior act warms my heart, but his words fall on deaf ears. I didn't expect for him to be able to reach Hiei. The thought that he already gave up on me already spread like poison through my system.

Yusuke's voice rants on, mumbles and I can barely make out what he's on about. He's mad I left, but not at me. He's mad at Hiei for not saying a word or glancing over at me. He also received the silent treatment and I not surprised.

Whatever did happen left its mark on him, of course he's not keen on sharing how he feels.


	2. Chapter 2

Took me a while to realize that late weekend afternoon was actually the 17th of June, marking one year since we became one as queen and king of Demon World. Closing in to a few weeks since then and not even a word, a visit, a letter from those I have considered as close to me. It was after all that I had a breakdown.

Never have been the most patient person alive. Not terrible at it, I can wait and cope with a lot of things, but the feeling of not knowing why all was happening tore a burning hole through my composure, posture and all hope I tried to keep close. And while I was wondering who made him ruler of my emotions, I let the feelings surface as I slid against the wall in that stupid small room I ran out of prior to my breakdown. If I managed to keep all my tears at bay right then and there I lost the last shred of hope I had. He wasn't going to come and explain the situation and probably called me stupid behind my back for not understanding, not remembering. A hard lump formed in my throat as feelings I didn't even know I was capable of swirled in my head and ultimately my heart.

And this is how on the 25th of June, on a hot torrid summer day, with a tear stained face and thoughts running a million miles an hour I finally decided "I HAD ENOUGH". More than three months from what I could gather from wrecking my brain, just one encounter and contact. No more. I have decided, made up my mind as I closed my eyes and let myself regress.

Of course I am not expecting you to understand to what I am referring to, but here is a summary:

Most recent events in Demon World brought up riots from lower layers looking to expand their influence. And what better way to do that than take down the current governance. Me and Hiei had a field day of having out castle invaded, battles held and maxing out on powers. As history with me having to use or not use my powers for too long triggers an unhappy chain of events where my heart dies out, feeling dry and I am but a killing machine relying on raw instincts. All those made me the perfect candidate for exile. Where? Everywhere from post-apocalyptic planes of existence, ancient Japan, different cities.

Koenma after all that dropped a bomb as we sought out help from Spirit World in order to stop the process of my black cold heart. We couldn't have my body put to sleep in the middle of what looked like an imminent war. We would raise a war of our own if a new exile would be their option.

But no, this time he actually was prepared and had done his homework. With a straight face and calm eyes, Koenma provided me the option of REGRESSION. Me and Hiei shared a confused look amongst ourselves as the ruler sat down in this chair, arms crossed over his chest, ready to relate to us the meaning of his words.

So the explanation, simply put is: " _Whatever decision we make creates a ripple in the Universe."_ There are countless time lines out there, all depicting a different version of us, but we already knew all that. There are numerous "us". How others perceive our presence, how we thought and regretted a choice made and took a different path, all those add somewhere out there. And damn out there I had get this a human counterpart that retained the memory of multiple parallel universes. I laughed so hard for minutes straight, what has that human part of me, a guru?

But all that information felt like a slap in the face and a punch in the gut. Koenma was asking me to regress to a human. Downfall of this scenario, since the mortal frail option had been taken into consideration before, was that me and Hiei wouldn't be able to see each other anymore, except for a few doorways. I would be oblivious of his presence, I would be stripped of my powers.

As the explanation grew even more complicated, Spirit World believed that was the most real part of me. My own beating human heart and the reason behind my own failing one. In their eyes I craved human emotions and Hiei as a demon could only provide me so much.

So it made sense how he tried to push me to Human World, how he left me alone days on end with Kurama to attend to my needs as I was too weak at one point to even walk.

Stopping and thinking it's maybe the reason why I can't remember how suddenly I was all alone.

Going back to that small meeting room and me being fed up, the idea of regressing to a mortal shell suddenly didn't feel so farfetched. I could do it. Why not? So I accepted the term and conditions and just like everyone, did not read them.

A swarm of vivid memories flashed before my eyes, a feeling I could only describe as dying. That's how I felt the kaleidoscope of colors and feelings drifting away. I closed my eyes and braced myself. Somehow this going back to the origins started ever since I woke up all alone. So I knew where I would be. In my kitchen, sipping a hot cup of coffee. It's morning, the sun is shining through the plastic white blinds. It's hot, it's such a humid summer, but the morning air tries to make it bearable.

As I felt the rush subsite I dared to open my strained eyes. And here my friends is where the magic happened.


	3. June 25th

The scenery before my eyes was not the one expected. My mind did not have time to register what was happening because one second I was literally in midair and the next I was plunging, body first toward whatever was beneath me. My stomach sank and my heart jumped in my throat as the horror of falling clawed away at my nerves. The impact was felt with every fiber I possessed. My hip was raging in pain, my ribs on the left side ached making breathing a strenuous act that I had to endure nonetheless. The jab in my left hand was also excruciating. Adrenaline pumped in my veins as I tried to clear my vision and register what happened. The WHAT part was very simple to answer. I fell through a roof. Franc answer no?

Trying to pick myself up all I could do was get on my knees before the pain made me lean forward ready to hurl on the floor. Trying to kick back the urge to vomit my eyes fell on my left arm. Out of my muscle a piece of wood presented itself before my eyes, blood trickling though the somewhat obscured wound. Grinding my teeth I didn't think too much as I pulled it out swearing through breaths as what I could only believe were pieces of said wood, chunks of huge splinters maybe remained stuck in my flesh. As the loud beating sound of my own heart calmed down enough, my ears caught wind of rapid footsteps making their way to my location. I had nothing, I was hurt, kneeling on the floor, staring at a door that would soon reveal an enemy more than likely. What hit me more than a ton of bricks was how powerless I actually was. Just a human, hurt, bleeding all over the floor, confused as hell. What graced my eyes as the door slid open was something I did not expect.

Men dressed in samurai clothes with their hands on their swords stared at me and did not attempt to enter the room. We all sized each other down and I felt my blood boiling. My forehead creased not in pain, not in frustration, but in pure anger. My mouth opened and a scream released from my lungs despite my bruised and broken body.

Their eyes went wide as saucers as they shifted their position beholding me but becoming more aware of the fact that a woman they didn't know had NOT so gracefully crashed through the roof. More footsteps approached as the last sound emanated from my core. A cold stern voice ordered the men to step out of the way, in the door frame a new figure appearing. The cold slits in his eyes disappeared as a moment of confusion took over him. My mind caught up to the event that should have never occurred as he called off his men and entered the room kneeling before me in order to help me sit up straight. The pain in my hip hit me like a thousand needles as I crashed back onto the floor breathing hard.

I knew where I was, as impossible as that was. The people here knew me and for that I was graceful. Yet this was not my kitchen, not where I should have ended up, especially as a human. A doctor was summoned to the room we were in as the vice commander also made his way to see who dared to make such a commotion at the Shinsengumi headquarters.

"Don't fucking touch me."

My forehead pressed against the flor as I tried to find a position in which I could endure the pain and think.

"You need medical attention Valery."

Not my name, but I rolled with it. No, I am not the queen of Demon World, I am not Hiei's wife, I am just a mere human with the memories of a life that should have been. Has Spirit World played a part in this? I should have regressed, I am that version, I am not Valery.

Think!

I was exiled here once, I died here and came back, Hiei came for me. The thought of him made my eyes sting once again. Why?

Gentle hands lifted my head slowly probably as to save me from more pain. There were so many questions lingering in his cold blue eyes yet he didn't dare verbalize them. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry, nothing more. I needed to think, I needed to be alone.

A battery of questions came from the vice commander and all I could think about was how come could my brain understand Japanese? I should have not retained this ability. Maybe just at a bare minimum, yet I could understand him perfectly. But I didn't say word as I shifted my head to get the hands away and used my right hand to get back on my knees. Thankfully nothing was broken, however I was certain bruises were forming under the fabric of my clothes. After minutes passed the doctor was ordered to leave his kit there and exited the room.

Vice commander Toshizo Hijikata sat on the floor, eyes never leaving me but at least he stopped talking. Hajime Saito said nothing as he took upon himself to clean my wounds. I was not dreaming. His hands working on removing the splinters, the burning pain, the sick feeling I had in my stomach were all real. As I was trying to figure out why and how I ended up there I knew they were also waiting for an explanation.

Chizuru Yukimura came at one point to bring refreshments and my jaw clenched, muscles working against me. Demons, not even now could I escape them. And the next thing I knew I was asking myself what the actual fuck? She of course had no blame in all of this, however I didn't want to see her then.

As probably an hour passed and Saito finished stitching me up and me fighting through the pain I finally managed to lay on my back. Looking in the direction of the only two men in the room all I could mutter was "I am a human now." And hopped to God they understood me before falling back to silence. They looked at each other , only a glance exchanged as their brows knit.

Saito remained as impassive and unreadable as ever remind me of a certain grumpy demon. Hijikata just crossed his hands over his chest looking down at me.

"Are you not the wife a demon? Are you not the queen of their world?"

There was no sense for me to get into details I myself didn't know so I just chose to nod once.

"Did he abandon you because you are now human?"

Way to go, you really know how to make a girl feel special, I shrugged my shoulders mainly because I myself did not know the answer to his question. But it felt like abandonment with no goodbye and no explanation.

Hijikata played with the new idea in his mind and concluded it was enough for that moment.

"We'll prepare a room for you to stay in. If you can't walk one of the men will take you there. Rest well because I do want an expla…" he stopped not finishing the word because something in my eyes told him I was as lost and confused as he was about me once again suddenly arriving. Leaving me alone with Saito, he went about his business.

A short glance in my direction betrayed an emotion I could not quite place. All I could work with was that he didn't yet know how to handle me. I was a weird girl with a loud mouth, who shore like a sailor, had bad habits and was trouble for him. We toyed with the good guy, bad girl idea however it didn't stick mainly because I was the one not staying for too much in one place.

But this time line, it was clear to me I would not disappear anytime soon. Frustration built up as the daunting feeling filled my heart.

Struggling to sit up I coughed hard, body shaking beyond my control. Biting down on my lip I pushed back the tears that desperately wanted to surface. My breath lodged in my lungs as I peered forward at a mirror.

Dread filled me as I struggled to get closer. My red hair was unnatural, this red color would wash out. Humans did not have fiery red hair. My bright eyes were almost black. I would age, I would grow old. I would get sick. I was going to die in ancient Japan.

A firm hand placed on my shoulder snapped me back to reality, whatever that was anymore, as I stared at Saito behind me, worry painted in his eyes as my face drained from all the stress, all color and power leaving me. He let my body fall against his chest as my head spun, the room feeling like it was closing its walls on me. His voice trailed on and I could swear he was speaking from the other end of the headquarters and not close to my ear.

"I need to take you to your room, is that alright?"

Pressing the palm of my hands against my eyes, a growl escaped my lips although I expected a groan. Saito let me have my moment sitting there stiff as a board clearly uncomfortable by the lack of space between our bodies, however his awkward status was the least of my concerns.

"I need some air please."

Picking me up his face shifted to the left not looking at me. Bless him. I almost felt sorry for the fact he had to go through this interaction.

As he set me down on a pillow, I hissed in pain as my hip, not broken or dislocated still cried out in pain. Leaving me alone for a few minutes, his return left too short. A glass of water was placed in my hands, his eyes not leaving me until I drank it all.

"I've spoken with Chizuru, your room is all set. Whenever you are ready."

My eyes trailed to the ground beneath us. Ready to rest? My body surely needed it, however it appeared to be morning where I was as well. I wanted to gather my thoughts, to come up with something that could ease the pain in my heart, the panic that was building up in my core. I could not rest no matter how much my body begged for it. My brain was on fire and not calming down any time soon.

Loud footsteps made us both turn our heads to the right to see Sanosuke Harada running toward us. Without a word he jumped to the ground and picked me up. One spin was enough to rattle my brain even more and for the pain to reinstall itself. With the last ounce of power in my trembling hand I managed to push him away just enough to land on my good leg and hunch forward to hurl.

"Have you not been informed she's hurt?"

Came Saito's cold remark as he tried to take the hair out of my face and provide some balance so I wouldn't fall face first into…well Harada. Apologetic olive colored eyes looked down at me as I steadied myself against Saito. Would you just look at the two potential love interests that used to make my heart melt. Clenching my shirt I felt my heart breaking further as the discussion going out around me sounded like white noise to me.

I would never see Hiei again. I would never know why. And the idea made everything even more unbearable. He would never tell me why he couldn't look me in the eyes, why I was here and why…

I gasped head jerking up and back straightening as I forced some weight on my left leg pushing myself to stand straight on my own. I never told Koenma I agreed to the regression. When I so called signed the terms and conditions I never verbalized it. Then how and when did this regression really start?

I felt like screaming again as my eyes filled with tears and I was shaking from head to toes.

Harada extended his hand to touch my face and I flinched realizing how close he was. Both him and Saito looked at me like I had just lost my marbles and from what I could gather I wasn't that far off. In front of Harada I knew I could cry, he would and could understand me being an emotional wreck without even knowing the reason behind my tears. Saito however was this stern, stoic warrior that did his best to control his emotions and would probably consider me more of a nuisance that he couldn't and wouldn't know how to handle.

For a second I looked in his directions and saw his eyes widening almost imperceptibly yet I knew there was hot burning anger and hate in my blurry vision.

"I need to take a bath if you don't mind."

Now I was angry at myself as well. Screw that Mary Sue Valery version. Oh how grans and easy it would have been to hurt just barely one of the boys, kiss them to heal myself as well and then fuck off teleporting through dimensions back to Demon World and punch Hiei's teeth in.

Welcome to the human life, lesser version of Valery. I cursed in my head using all the languages I knew.

Submerging my body under water with Chizuru's help I screamed until I was breathless and my lungs hurt. Letting the heat soak up the nagging pain, I felt my head clear a bit. The captains of the Shinsengumi were also human, I am sure they would aid and help me know all I needed. I have skill I can use and I will dig them and use them to my advantage. I hope…


	4. June 26th

**CHAPTER 4 – June 26** **th**

After that hot both, analyzing the bruises plastered on my legs, hip and ribs, I slept like a log. Did not dream, did not move judging by how stiff I felt when I woke up. Guess I was more tired than I wanted to admit.

The following day I was walking on my own, slow, wobbly steps, dragging my left leg more than using it properly however I managed to make my way to the front gates. The morning air felt cool against my skin and since the sun was barely rising I estimated the time to be around six in the morning.

Taking a long breath to help ease the pain, I sat down on a bench letting my thoughts run wild. I had nothing apart from the clothes on my back. Feeling no energies around me, someone could have been watching and I wouldn't notice. Stretching my sore leg I massaged it firmly.

If I was here I must have retained some information from my previous version. Like Valery was overwritten but an error occurred. For one I could speak fluent Japanese apart from other languages learned in this form. I still looked somewhat similar, although you can't compare dark blood and genes to that of a human. I knew about the Shinsengumi because I have studied countless articles written on the internet and I knew Japan would be at war soon. Great job, landing from one imminent war to the another. I was not Valery per say but I retained all her memories and feelings, I was still her in a sense as much as it concerned those around me and I couldn't decide if it was a good or a bad thing.

As I took another deep breath in, taking time exhale, an unmistakable smell filled my senses. Surely enough Saito was almost next to my bench, a small tray placed with intention I bet between us. Taking a seat on the other side he gently presented me the cut. A short thank you escaped me followed by a question that made me want to slap myself the second it was out.

"Did Hijikata put you up to this?"

The brief eye contact was made just so I could see him glare before he lifted his tea cut with his left hand and took his sweet time to answer.

"I alone choose to watch over you until you regain your strength."

Pffffff! So formal, no inflections on the voice. He must of sensed his answer meant little to me since he glanced my way.

"What happened to you?"

The cup I held came to my lips where it stopped. My shoulders were drawn in, back hunched so I made an effort to stand up straight and not look like a beaten dog who got abandoned by his owner. To think such an unhealthy relationship could fuel me.

"I don't know how to really answer that."

Taking a sip from the coffee I felt like Heaven landed on top of me. No sugar, no sweetener, just plain black brewed coffee. Saito made no gesture to continue the conversation as he allowed me to gather my thoughts.

"Suddenly I was alone, turning into a human and I can't remember the moment it started."

Glancing down at my left hand I still had the wedding ring on. How was that possible? Was I stuck previously in a transition world? But I didn't feel like a had a partner, I was unmarked, stripped down of my essence and fed to the wolves. Ghah! Valery, not me.

"So your husband abandoned you."

It was not a question, just a fact he stated out loud as he wrapped his head around the idea of my predicament. Setting his eyes on me his features softened.

"I'm sorry for what you're going through, but I will do all in my power to help you."

Help me with what? Calling out to the skies in hope Koenma would pop up in front of us and say "ops, wrong time line"? Oh no, that was not going to happen and unless he knew of a secret portal to Demon World there was no way he could help.

"Do you not approve of my offer?"

I almost snarled at his perceptive nature as he analyzed even the faintest batter of my lashes.

"You can't help. Thank you but no."

It sounded harsh and I knew it, yet just smiling and nodding semi-politely to romance his ego was not an option.

"I see." He muttered going back to his tea while I was boiling inside trying to make heads and tails of this shitty situation.

"Fine, maybe you can help. I'll need a pen…pencil…something to write with."

"A quill." He corrected me almost instantly to which I frowned.

"And some paper so I can gather my thoughts. I'll tell you what happened in the past year and maybe you with your down to earth nature and leveled head can piece together something I might have missed."

He took the time to process the idea, turning it over and over in his mind before giving me a short nod of the head. I returned the same calm response, mirroring his own actions and after that there wasn't much more to say to him really. His presence was always calming because he used few words and when he did speak it meant something. However in some aspects he did remind me of Hiei. I can only guess I have a type of man drilled deep in my subconscious that I go for. Fun times. Never got me anywhere good. Not now, not ever.

The first patrol passed us, Heisuke and Shinpachi waving goodbye at us. They must have been informed of my return since they didn't look surprised to see me, like I had been living there for a while now. Pulling myself up after we finished our drinks there was only one place I wanted to visit in their headquarters. My grave.

Remember how I died here? Well my Phoenix powers came in effect a bit later than anticipated because they had time to erect a damn tombstone for me, my ashes, Valery, whatever. Saito slowed his pace to match mine, the snail version of walking, yet he let no anger show on his face. Maybe a bit of concern as his arms stretched out to me each time I would wobble too much.

As we sat in front of the tombstone I for some unexplained reason was calm. This place accepted me, mourned my death and celebrated my return. Humans cared for me as much as I cared for them and the preservation of their race. The dark angel with a human heart.

"We can take it down."

I almost smiled at his kind words. I did not fear death, I never have in all versions that held my existence. I did not believe in God or reincarnation or the afterlife. We have only one life to make a difference. One chance and that's it. Glancing over at him a small smile graced my lips.

"No, it's fine, I'll need it eventually."

I wondered for a few seconds if it was foreshadowing or the hardest truth out there? We all die, no exceptions, we all reach the same end.

Saito's eyes scanned my face and said nothing in retort to my previous line. Turning back at the stone so that I wouldn't blur out the next wild thought that passed through my brain I tried to find some balance in my heart. However a quick "What the fuck?" hissed through my teeth as I faced him once again when he asked me if I still love Hiei. My vision blurred with new found tears of mixed anger and longing.

He apologized profusely taking a small bow as I asked once more and louder the same line from before. I am not blind to a man trying to make a move and I was well aware Saito held some feelings for me. In some sense he wanted more despite being too conscious of us being almost exact opposites. Straightening my back, putting more weight on my left leg, I attempted to focus my mind on a different kind of pain. As he apologized again adding he was out of line all I could do was stare at him with wide eyes, not blinking.

"Yes, I do" I said through my teeth my jaw clenching before I delivered the next line "but loving him brought me nowhere for if he left me all alone to rot away then he is not the man I thought he was. Love is never enough and you remind me of him."

The last line landed a hard blow on him as his bright eyes widened before staring off at the ground and I wasn't taking my eyes off him. Shaking in pain and anger I sized him up.

"How does that information benefit you? Tell me!"

A pair of uncertain eyes rose to look at me once again and I could see hurt in the lines on his face. He was aging like me. His expression carried the stress and weight of this time. His time. My chest felt tight as he struggled with his words obviously uncomfortable by my outburst and his question that probably came in an attempt of finding out something from me for himself. Glancing to the side I cursed, at that made him tilt his head to the side. Yes, I said something bad in another language.

"I apologize." I spoke before he could get his idea out in words "I am mad and confused right now, so if…"

I didn't get to finish my sentence as we both turned hearing someone approach. That someone was Chizuru carrying…oh! My duffle bag, well Valery's. Last time Koenma did the exile, banishing thing he made sure to send some stuff.

"I searched through the storage, I knew it was still here."

Sweet Bejesus! I kneeled on the ground after a few failed attempts and pulled the zipper. First two items brought out a sigh of relief. The twin katanas. I picked them up and held them close to my chest. My beauties were with me, they were stainless, durable, black, could unite into a sort of a spear. Wait! Can I even use these? Oh boy. Being caught in the moment I almost missed Chizuru's and Saito's exchange of smiles.

Clearing my throat I set them aside and continued looking. Clothes, will need to see which fit me now, some medicine, expired. Fucking grand. Holly shit tooth paste, the large tube. Just how long was that fucker expected me to be gone?

My eyes widened, cigarettes, a few packs scattered inside the bag. Sweet lord, jackpot. Cigarettes were the first thing I missed as my lips touched the coffee Saito made for me. My eyes flicked to him for a few moments.

Makeup, need to check these, 3 vials of potions, heeling agent, Kurama for sure. I would need to hold onto these for dear life and thank him if I ever get to see him again. A pen, probably will use it up in a few days, an MP3 with 30% battery and that was it. Not like I expected to find the meaning of life in there however I felt slight disappointment.

Looking at Chizuru I hugged and thanked her for the effort especially since her hands and clothes were all dirty from the dust in the storage room.

"I promise I'll help with cooking."

And that I could do. Loved cooking and trying out new recipes, knew a lot of them by heart. It meant I could help, contribute somewhat in exchange for the food and shelter provided. Looking back at the bag a small lump caught my eyes in one of the side pockets. Pulling the zipper on it a satchel with coins was there. How did I not know about this before? Yeah, didn't stay that much.

"Umm, how much is this?"

I asked giving it to Saito to inspect. Glancing and judging just by the sheer weight of it he responded.

"Enough for a few good months."

Ha, beat that! I could have done a small victory dance if I wasn't all busted up and I am certain that would have found the behavior odd. Passing back the coins I placed them back in the bag and not so gracefully carried it to my room as Saito and Chizuru stared at me after telling them not to fuss so much over me. I was hurt, not incapacitated.

The bag filled with Valery's belonging gave me an ounce of hope. Sliding the door shut to my room I placed the bag on the floor in a corner and sighed. This was unlike me. Yes I was quick to jump, however I never let myself feel down for more than a couple of days. And now here I was mourning as if Hiei had died. I was better at dealing with things than Valery. I controlled my emotions better and never ran from a problem. Life and work shaped me a lot in the process, having to face difficult situations and customers and keep a straight face and posture, be polite and not let anyone know I was angry, sad or depressed.

It wasn't like I was in danger, cold or hungry. No one was going anything to hurt me. Then why the Hell was I being such a cry baby? Taking off my wedding ring I placed in the small satchel and didn't look at it further. Rip it off like a band aid right?

I was seriously doing my head in without having any facts. Of course that hurt, it was normal for me to feel lost, but losing sleep over things I had no control over was making me see stuff the wrong way. I was the only one who could pick up and motivate myself. So let Hiei sit wherever he was.

Stage one: DENIAL or ANGER?


	5. June 27th

**27** **th** **of June**

* * *

That morning I woke up with a headache that felt like someone was trying to stab me in the forehead. I have helped Chizuru prepare dinner for the rest, however I have retreated to my room before anyone had a chance to ask me to join. I was certain this headache was due to stress, not eating or properly drinking water.

Getting dressed I headed to the first water source in order to wash my face. Even if yesterday I have managed to raise my spirits, today I felt like I took a couple of steps back. Being in theory more than one person was a strenuous process, but I needed to fight in order to keep myself on top. It was a must, for I felt Valery in a human state, away from Hiei would crumble. And due to her loyalty and feeling for him I was also suffering. My own heart hurt.

"Valery, we need to talk."

Looking over my shoulder, Hijikata stood there and probably had been for some time watching me struggle with my thoughts. We took a seat, hidden away from the rays of sun that were burning our skin even though it was very early in the morning. Summers in Kyoto were unbearably hot, however it was a nice change from the city heat.

"I had a talk with the men last night and decided you will be under out protection from now on."

My eyes darted to him in an instant. Why did he order them to protect me?

"Even if you might not see it, you are still a queen."

I snapped to my feet, pain making me favor my right side. My hands balled up in fists, nails digging hard into the skin.

"Call it off!" he looked at me in bewilderment "You can't have them protecting a queen from a world they don't know. Their loyalty and lives don't sit with me. If they were to go against Hiei, they'd die and I will not permit for them to get hurt over a fable time line I will never return to."

His eyes widened as tears streamed down my cheeks. These feelings, this hurt was overflowing. Her pain became mine.

"Then what will you do? You are a human, your state is more fragile than before."

He held my gaze firmly as confusion ran through my brain. I couldn't have then risk their lives in the aftermath of our mistakes. We couldn't find a solution and the Shinsengumi played no part in that.

"I don't need protection."

Crossing his hands over his chest, those harsh devil eyes never left me.

"It has already been decided." grinding my teeth I was ready to say something insulting "Saito and Harada were the first to say yes to my proposition. It goes without saying but they would have protected you regardless." looking to the side I knew I had to talk with Saito. Yesterday I let my emotions get the best of me and it wasn't fair toward him "I know you're feeling lost now, but you have friends here, the Shinsengumi will never forget your help."

Taking a small bow I thanked him. There was no point in trying to argue with him as Hijikata was one of the most stubborn people I knew. All I could do was excuse myself and attempt to jog in order to locate Saito faster. I found him training, however I didn't utter a word as to not disrupt his morning routine.

"Have you come just to see me train?"

The sword slicing through the air muffled my response. Walking towards him, he placed the sword back in its hilt and turned to properly greet me. From his usual cold, stern expression he now regarded me softly and almost sad.

"You've been crying."

I looked up at him stopping just a few feet away.

"Don't concern yourself with that."

My words came out harsh although that was not my intention. He had done nothing wrong towards me. Coming closer I took his left hand into mine and bowed my head.

"I am truly sorry Saito, for my outburst just now and for yesterday. You are not like him and it was wrong of me to say that. There is really nothing wrong with the way you are."

His initial shock faded slowly as he carefully squeezed my hand and lifted my chin up.

"If you feel like crying, you should come to me. I might not know how to console you, but I promise I will listen."

"I don't want to inconvenience you."

He looked to the side embarrassed as his hands dropped from my face yet he did not let go of my hand.

"You are not an inconvenience."

Somehow I couldn't help but smile at the man before me and pull him in a tight hug. Ever since he warmed up to me there had been nothing but kindness resonating, despite the fact that we are so different, despite our beliefs and odd ways, he's been the first one near me every time I set foot here. It was wrong of me to think of Valery as a different person altogether. We are in the end the choices we make and she is just how life shaped her, insecure and hot headed, a fighter without the love of a family. I was her and she was me whenever she stood up for herself and fought for what she believed was right. And it's because of her I am here now.

Parting from Saito's warmth, I held his gaze and thanked him. I am still insecure and unsteady, however I know keeping a clear head is imperative especially now in my case. His eyes were slightly wider than usual yet his expression did not waver the slightest, action that made me tilt my head a bit and take a step back. Have I just offended him? His eyes shifted to the side as he took a small breath in.

"You are still married even if you took off your wedding band. You are still his woman until you speak with him and decide what you want?"

The air in my lungs froze as his ocean blue eyes traveled back to my face. Taking a small bow I realized I wasn't able to verbalize anything apart from a small "I'm sorry" as he took a step in my directions only to stop and sigh.

"You have done nothing wrong, but you will need to talk to him and face this matter."

I nodded once sharply and rose my eyes to him. He was making it sound like I was running away from Hiei, making me the bad guy.

"And what if he will never be willing to talk?"

The idea lingered in his mind as his expression became someone quizzical while I was reaching a new level of anger.

"Then you will need to make a decision for yourself. However are you sure you could ever feel again?"

I literally gasped and blurred out in a breath "of course" placing a hand on my beating heart as his question took me by surprised. How could I explain to him that being hurt wasn't the end? That this abandonment was not going to best me? I struggled with the words inside my head as his lips slowly curved into a small smile.

"That make me happy to hear. Um…I mean it's good. For you."

I barely registered the stumble of words since I was so caught up in my own head. My forehead creased as another thought ran free. Did he wish to pursue me but decided against it since I was Hiei's wife? If he even considered me that, I had no idea. Ever since I was still in Demon World he would spend less and less time with me, then dumped in Kurama's care in Human World, then from barely seeing him I, well you know the rest.

"It's not the first time I was told I am the sort of man you should not let near you." my eyes scanned his face not knowing where his words came from. Keeping his right hand resting on the hilts of his swords, he offered the explanation "When your friends came to take you away I was told a man like Harada would be a much better fit" he looked like he just swallowed something bitter as his eyes closed "however I can't change who I am." Opening his eyes his brows drew closer as he analyzed my face "If you have something to say, please don't hold back."

"Bullshit!"

Frowning slightly at my choice of words he shook his head a bit like trying to decide how to handle a disobedient child. Wrapping my hands over my chest I waited for his comeback.

"I need to go prepare the food."

Blinking a few times, I watched his back getting further and further from me until he was out of sight. A soft chuckle distracted me as I turned to my left to see Okita Souji.

"Don't worry about that." Rolling my eyes I walked closed to him trying to ignore his cheeky grin "Maybe you should go help him hmmm?" staring back at the empty space where Saito stood I thought maybe it wasn't such a bad idea "Or you can stay and train with me. If you ever intend to use those swords on your back." I glared wondering what did Hijikata tell them the previous night and it's like he could read my mind "Tell me did you and your husband just have a fight or did he actually abandon you to fend for yourself?"

I swear it's like the sounds of the morning dimmed and my vision blurred. My hands reached out for one of my swords and the next thing I could hear was my words being blocked by his, metal grinding on metal. He smirked, those wild eyes of his focused on the expression on my face.

"Good, you can at least defend yourself."

My right hand formed into a fist as I punched his sides, the distance giving me more time and space to swing my katana once more, having to hold the hilt with both hands to keep it from flying from my grasp when our swords met once more.

"Oi, are you two crazy? You can kill each other like that."

Okita took a step back and so did I, both putting our swords back in their rightful place to see Harada and Shinpachi coming out way to also train. They both smiled at as Okita glanced between me and Harada.

"Don't be so protective Sano, she can hold her own."

"Then train with wooden swords. Are you any better?"

I nodded but didn't speak as my mind went back to Saito's confession about how a man like Harada would be a better fit for me. Just how many actually though Hiei wasn't the healthiest of choices? Taking a small bow I excused myself just as Heisuke was joining them and headed for the kitchen. Saito was there preparing breakfast, his sleeves rolled up, eyes carefully watching the pot of rice. But he did notice me as he scanned me through the corner of his eye.

"How can I help?

Hesitantly he agreed to let me make the tea as if that was the first time I had even been in the kitchen. He didn't say anything more and in truth that bothered me. I wanted him to speak not just when he was spoken to, however maybe that's how he always had time to formulate the perfect answer and it annoyed me to wits end. But then again it wasn't my place to tell him otherwise.

"I'll cut the vegetable while the water heats up."

"No, I'll do it."

His hand retracted as we both reached out for the knife and his hand brushed mine.

"Apologies." He quickly let out embarrassed and my brows lifted.

"What for?"

A conflict set in his eyes as I continued to stare at him, a shy mess versus a strong hot headed woman.

"I…touched you…"

"And? I'm not made of fire."

His face straightened before becoming dead serious.

"Why are you doing this? Don't tell me I can touch you Valery, I may not be that strong of a man."

My jaw dropped as my eyes widened, him quickly turning to stir in the pot, leaving me to the vegetable cutting as I played on repeat his previous words. I forced him to act out of his way. I have done so from the first encounters even though he was obviously not comfortable. Then why was he still trying to help me if I am such a nuisance?

We let the awkward silence fill the kitchen as we sat in separate corners, each to their own duty as if we weren't actually both in the same room. After the dishes were taken care of I myself stayed behind to clean. I didn't know if it was because he saw through my lie when I told him I would be joining them soon or he actually knew I would not, but there was food in my room when I had returned.

Tea was fine, I never usually had breakfast so liquids were the way I usually functioned until the afternoon.

* * *

Strapping my left leg tight after applying a cream Yamazaki had given me, well actually left for me, I went to see Hijikata in order to get permission to go out with the patrol team from that day.

Him and Kondo were discussing as I announced my entry. I took a small bow and sat down presenting to them the request. Kondo nodded his head however a harsh and resounding NO left Hijikata's mouth. We both stared at him as his right brow twitched in annoyance.

"If you are able to walk around and draw a sword, then you should be able to eat and speak to us about what happened no?"

I gripped my clothes and he noticed the edge in my eyes, this man wasn't the type to give up easy that I knew.

"Also there is another aspect we have addressed last time as well." He motioned with one hand towards me "Your clothes are too revealing for a headquarters full of men. You will need to bind your chest."

"Toshi!"

Raising my hand I managed to calm Kondo's nerves and assure him I was not offended by the vice commander's words. That I could do without a problem, however I had no idea how to bind a pair of D cups. Shrugging my shoulders I let the idea leave my mind for the time being. His eyes were still vigilantly staking me and not so patiently waiting for my explanation.

"I should have not been here. In the perfect scenario where no one interfered I should have never even been able to see any of you again or for you to contact me anymore."

Their brows knit and a trace of sadness washed over their faces as I told them Hiei was one the people who agreed to it first. For them it was clear I was discarded in human form to live somewhere else.

"Also I am not Valery per say."

And that was when the multiverse real and imaginary version were related to them. Kondo scratched his head confused.

"So who are you then?"

"A human by a different name that is not even important right now. A wannabe writer. I work, have my own place, friends, and family. A normal person at the end of the day, or at least that's what I want to believe."

Hijikata got up, pacing back and forth and honestly I had no idea which part was bothering him, but something was.

"Who are you closer to here?"

Lifting one brow, I answered it was Harada and Saito. Leaving the room me and Kondo shrug our shoulders, both delivering equal confused looks, only to have him return a couple of minutes later with the before mentioned men, both staring at me as I was asked to sit up.

"She's taller and her eyes are of a different color."

Looking over at Saito I scanned him for a brief second before I got distracted by Harada who was circling me with a smirk.

"She's gotten some nice curves."

"I should smack you."

He took a step back laughing as I failed to hit him. Kondo shook his head asking the vice commander why this was all necessary and I was asking myself the same thing.

"Scars are showing in your human form."

I barely heard Saito speak yet his eyes fell to my right hand and I hid it out of instinct behind my back.

"She's a lot more feminine if you ask me, but apart from that not much has changed."

Well yes, but an animated version per say has less flaws to worry about. No need for expensive makeup, creams and hair products. No hairy legs and unwanted bushes in other parts of the body. Mind you I paid a fortune for laser hair removal. No coloring your hair. No…I looked like someone had smacked me out of the blue. Oh my God! Not having to worry about my period. The idea is bad on its own in modern days, but in ancient Japan?

"Are you alright?"

Looking over at Harada I smiled apologetically. Not like I was going to relate to four men what just went through my brain. Do they have pads? Do they use rags and then wash them? Ewww, the idea alone made my skin crawl and Harada kept looking at me as my brain panicked.

Thankfully, I guess, they were dismissed as Hijikata had more questions to address. I would have been surprised if he didn't.

"If you are not Valery then how do you know us?"

Placing more confusion in their heads I went about explaining how I understood things. Yet one question rose in my head. If I belong to a world where demons and dragons are just fables, then how can I as a human exist in their time line when I am a real version that should never mix with them? Like ever.

Yet I was living and breathing, hurt and healing. Looking at my left arm the stiches dug a bit too deep as the wound glistened with a fresh line of blood. It wasn't that bad, barely hurt unless I touched it, but maybe I was too bold to assume I could use it so freely. Yet I was thankful I could draw a sword in the right way, my mind was alert and working with me so on my list I added another thing I could do but normally don't, just right under speaking Japanese.

Hijikata dismissed me in order to process the new information so I retreated to my room or at least that was the plan. Turning the last corner, Saito's strong hands took hold of mine. That man was as silent as a cat. His eyes fell on my hands, scars long forgotten scattered only on my right wrist made him trace his thumb gently against them. He startled me so much that I took my time understanding what he was up to and after that retracted my arms.

"Could you please not do that?"

"They are rather old."

Looking to the side I just nodded. He was unnerving with his stillness while I was a mess at that moment, thought of all sorts running wild in my head.

"After you've eaten I will report to Hijikata. I have some errands to run and I could use your help."

My forehead creased as I wondered if he actually was listening in to our conversation, yet no signs betrayed him. I had not eaten to be honest and since before arriving I could probably place my last meal roughly four days prior. My stomach was begging me for some food so I did go to eat and surely enough Saito convinced the vice commander to let me join him.

* * *

Meeting up with him by the exit I held out some coins.

"Is this enough to buy some clothes?"

Looking down at my extended hand his eyes widened.

"Do you intend to buy the entire building?" raising my brows confused I looked at him "You said that I had enough for a few good months."

"I did not look inside the satchel but merely weight it. But now I see you have more. Come, I'll teach you how money works."

Frowning I followed him to the city.

"I know how money works, just not yours."

He payed no mind to my sarcastic comments when he explained to me how much I had in fact. He didn't even bat an eye when I picked out new clothes that would fit the era. Hijikata had never asked me to dress like a man, just have something less revealing. Damn prudes calling a tank top revealing. But even as I was dying from the hot sun having put a jacket over me, people still stared. I stood out like a sore thumb, I looked different than the rest and a change in wardrobe would not fix that.

Deciding on an outfit I just had to change and even then I felt I had too many layers on me. Wiping away at my forehead I glared at the judging eyes of the Kyoto town folks.

"Valery, here."

I followed him inside what looked like a bar from my perspective. Setting aside our groceries Saito ordered some drinks for us. A tea for me, sake for him. The nerve of this guy. He took a gulp before I snatched it from his hand and drank the rest of the sake from the cup watching him with a triumphant smirk. His eyes widened as his cheeks changed color leaving me confused as he looked down at the table and stretched out his hand in order to retrieve the cup.

"What's gotten into you?"

Imagine my horror when he explained – eventualy- a custom between two people who get married. Both the bride and groom have to drink from the same cup, fact that made me want to laugh a bit, however I decided against it.

"Plus it's not appropriate for a woman to drink."

I looked at him, anger drilling through my veins. I could not own a house here since only men were allowed to hold properties. I could not battle since women were not allowed to be warriors, majority did not even read or could do so, not the mention write.

Sitting up i started gathering my things in silence until Saito placed a steady hand on my shoulder.

"I never said you shouldn't." he held the tiny cup before me wearing a soft expression "You are not obligated to follow our rules."

Did he actually understand I got mad? In truth he never told me to dress in a certain way or act differently. All he did was try to adapt to who I was. But I wasn't having any of it even as I sat down. I felt out of place, alone in a sick game.

"What actually bothers me the most" I said taking the tea in my hand and starring at the content "is that I don't know why. I never received and explanation. From watching maps and tracing out battle tactics or fighting side by side I was suddenly left alone without a reason. He had stopped talking to me even before all this."

"Not to you, to Valery."

Looking at him and asking if he had listened in to the conversation I had with Hijikata and Kondo was pointless. It was clear he did and wanted me to know that, however his simple statement felt like it held more meaning. And if Hiei was ready to give up on Valery and not share his reasons, he would surely not share them with a human.

"Am I that different now?"

The stoic man before me just sized me up, but I couldn't exactly place a feeling that he held since he was so damn good at hiding it all. I swear not even Hiei was this good. Surprise, anger, happiness even for a moment I could see those on his face. But Saito? Urgh it was a pain.

"You are different, yes." He spoke slowly measuring his words "You let your emotions guide you more and your eyes betray that." Holding the cup to his lips his eyes flickered away from me for a short moment "When and if your husband comes back I wish to also speak with him."

Finishing the content of his cup I poured some more for him. At least I knew that to be a customer I wasn't that oblivious.

"And what do you with to tell him if I may ask?"

He looked at me, a grave expression set in his eyes, something harsh and cold lingered and from what I could tell something was nagging him.

"What he did, it's unfair."

Well now, I did not particularly believe that was all to it, but it was obvious to me he did not agree with how Hiei treated the situation.

"If you were in his place, what would you have done?"

The answer came fast and brutally honest.

"I would be here, with you."

And for the first time since I've arrive I closed my eyes and genuinely smiles as I raised the cup to my lips. It was a small smile, but it was honest. I nodded shortly to Saito and for the first time I was actually happy he did not turn back to that awkward shy mess he usually reverted to when facing women and stating something so bold.

"Thank you Hajime."

And I spoke too soon as he blushed watching me with wide timid eyes.


	6. June 28th

Even if the previous day had been busy and kept my mind occupied while doing chores around the headquarters the following day I woke up while it was still dark outside. I had never been the type of person that wears a watch, but damn it I wish that I had. Not knowing what time it was made me nuts for most parts of the day and night.

My mind was buzzing constantly, going back and forth between all types of events, but what was so vividly entrapped in my memory and working on a horrible repeat version was a discussion with Hiei after Koenma presented the REGRESSION theory. Well, I guess discussion is a bit too much since Hiei's mind was already made up.

* * *

" _You can't decide this for me."_

 _His bloody colored eyes glared at me, fists clenched at his sides. My voice became elevated as I tried to explain to him my reasons, why the ideas wasn't even an option._

" _How can I go on and be a human somewhere else and never see you, apart from my dreams if that."_

 _Apparently that was the only access and middle ground that Spirit World could offer. What I needed to start reading on astral projection? Talk about a fast way of going nuts._

" _And you'd rather die then woman?"_

 _Then what have we been doing all this time? Why have we fought for US if he was willing to let it all go when a few years back he was firm in his beliefs while standing in the very same office asking for the last months to be spent together?_

* * *

Closing my eyes, I ran my hands though my hair as I pushed back the dread that was forming inside my chest.

I needed to get dressed and so I did.

I needed to get out.

Get out, run if I could. Strapping my blades to my back I ran to the training grounds. Screw the pain, it was just sore at this point. Screw the stiches, I could get a new set. Let me wobble, I don't mind grinding my teeth as long as I can move about.

Hiei is not the type of person who can hold a conversation that hurts. He does not have the emotional maturity to deal with me when I was all in love. With Valery, damn it. Deal with Valery.

Stopping on the training grounds I left like yelling at the top of my lungs. To scream at the sky in hopes he could hear me. But what the fuck could I tell him now? Yelling without knowing all the facts wouldn't solve anything.

Gripping my swords I swung them over and over until sweat coated my forehead and dripped at the back of my neck. If I was granted the skill of still using the swords, you can bet anything that I wasn't going to waste that gift.

The sun found me trying to catch my breath. Training did not clear my head, but the physical effort did manage to calm me somewhat.

"It's been quite some time hasn't it?"

My eyes widened as my muscles tensed on reflex. Staring down at me from the roof top a few feet above me stood Chikage Kazama. The first thing I notices wasn't him, but his eyes. Those blood colored eyes that made my mind go back to Hiei and my heart burst in my chest. I should have slit this demon's throat when I was given the chance and not have to deal with him now in my current state. Pompous prick.

His blood red eyes watched me amused as he dropped to the ground with ease.

"I never thought I'd see you again. Rumor has it you married a demon and became queen."

This was bad. The words cramped up in my throat. I knew the men wouldn't have shared this information freely, but they were blabber mouths half of them.

"If you are queen of demons" he took a step towards me and I took one back raising my left sword "that means there is a world out there just for us. A world you have access to."

As his eyes widened I steadied my stance ready to fight. He didn't know I was a human so as long as I would not give myself away I should have been able to wing it. Placing my swords back in their hilts I tried to play it cool and control the shaking in my body hoping he would pass it off to training and not fear. My instinct was raging at me get away, but that's something not characteristic to Valery. He has yet to draw his weapon so I was somewhat safe.

"And what is it to you demon?"

Taking another step this time I did not back away. I had to pull a Valery if I wanted to stand a chance, however small that was, but if he were to hit me or draw his sword he would and could kill me. Leaning a bit our eyes locked as I snarled my teeth at him glaring. Human or not, demons did not usually sit well with me and this specimen was another prime example that kept my hate anchored. Sharp teeth ready to drain my blood, noses up in the air sniffing my scent, eyes glaring wanting to set fear in my core.

He smirked cocky and proud and extended his hand out in a lazy manner. Slapping his hand away I took a step back.

"Don't you dare touch me."

Fuck! In a second he was up in my face, staring me down. He's not that strong, probably an upper A or lower B class, however he was trouble.

"Get away from her!"

That voice, Saito. Kazama pushed me out of the way and counteracted, the screeching sound of metal echoing in the early morning air.

"I honestly don't understand why you endure the presence of these pathetic humans."

One hit and Saito grunted leaning forward before raising his sword once more. He was not hurt however Kazama struck with more force than a human. His strength if used willingly could defeat Saito and he seemed more than willing to hurt him.

The captain of the third division was faster than any human I have seen, but Kazama knew who he was facing. Saito's cold voice told me to stand down as my hands moved to my swords. Stand down? I had no idea how to that. I couldn't just sit and watch as he single handedly fought Kazama. But I was scarred, petrified of their skills and speed.

As swords clashed and the fight went on before my eyes I couldn't move. One slash tore through the fabric of Saito's clothes and blood painted his skin. The more he fought, the more Kazama would berate him and strike harder. But as the images flashed before my eyes, I realized I wasn't scared for myself but for Saito. He was losing, he would die and it would all be because of me. Because I was there, because I left my room.

I didn't think, I swore my legs moved on their own and I ran between them.

"Why are you defending him?"

When I spoke my voice came out strained and low.

"I hate demons and I don't know why I tried so hard to believe they were willing to change."

Kazama watched me now understanding where I was getting at. Saito strained to sit up straight as I looked passed my shoulder for a second making sure he took note of my face.

"It's not that I don't trust your abilities, I do. I just need you to please live and not die today."

The pain he felt was plastered on his face, yet the coldness in his eyes drained. He didn't agree but I hoped my words managed to reach him somewhat, somewhere.

Looking back at Kazama he made it clear he did not enjoy me stepping up for a human. His sword clashed with mine as my hands struggled against his force, shaking from all joints in an attempt of keeping a slight advantage.

"Are you willing to die for the sake of a human?"

Fury burned through my core, but the sheer anger alone was not enough to grant me the strength I needed. He pushed me back and Saito's blade charged from my left, action that proved easy for Kazama to dodge.

"Get away now!"

Saito's right hand pushed me as Kazama struck him, blood staining the pavement under his feet. He was dying. Pale, breath uneven, he was dying.

My mind rushed and all sounds hushed.

Both swords swung in an attempt to back the demon away from Saito.

"I didn't come here to die."

My voice was horse, agitated as the strength was leaving me. Saito was in bad shape and I would be too as it was clear the demon was done playing games. His speed got the better of me.

Just when I saw his blade coming closer the air around us swirled. It was almost palpable, like smog. I was the source, but it was not my power. It felt like whatever was happening was leaving me. The last cry that held me bound to other worlds.

A gun cocked and Shiranui Kyo come in view his arm lifted, gun barrel pointed at Saito. Last callout to the fleeting power made me more a bit faster. Saito's eyes filled with pain as he stared down into my own, the sound of the gun echoing, the bullet hitting me in the back instead of Saito's chest.

A new voice called out as the gentle giant Amagiri kneeled as both me and Saito could not stand anymore.

"This should not have happened, o apologize to both of you."

Placing a hand to my lower back and apologizing again his free hand hit me in the chest. Gasping for air, the pain was entrapped in my chest making it hard to breath. But it wasn't the pain, the bullet Amagiri forced out had already punctured a lung and I was feeling the effect. I had seconds, minutes if I didn't start panicking.

The demons disappeared out of site as Saito tried to hold me, his blood coloring my skin and clothes. The situation was bad and it was about to get worse.

Thankfully our battle drew the attention of others and we were brought inside for medical attention.

Sannan, Yamazaki, Kondo, Hijikata, Chizuru…her.

Pulling Chizuru closer to my face I whispered something in her ear and she bolted out of the room as I whispered in my head like a mantra Kurama's name. He would save me, he could do it.

I was struggling between breaths as my right lung was filling up with blood with every breath I was taking. A shaky hand found mine and held it, grip barely having any power left. He was pale, lost blood. Yamazaki was working fast, however the wounds were worse than initially thought.

"It's too deep."

His stomach was sliced too deep to be fixed by stiches. I was flipped on my back and a sharp pain between my ribs provided me with a full breath of air.

"They won't make it, this is only temporary."

Sannan looked at us and took out two vials from his sleeve. They contained a horrible substance, something that would turn us in a lesser version of a demon. The Water of Life.

"Please both of you, take these."

He pulled the lid off one and went to Saito who was in a worse state that me. No! Anything but that.

"Wait." Sannan looked at me, eyes sharp and cold as I extended my hand out "Don't."

With all the force I could invoke I called out Chizuru and the reply came back as she ran in the room almost going through the sliding doors and presented me the two vials of the healing agent Kurama has left behind. It wasn't as fancy as healing powers, but it would do the job and heals us a lot faster. In a few hours me and him could be as good as new.

I made sure they left the room as soon as Yamazaki swore on his life Saito was patched up well enough to at least make it a few hours.

"Take this."

He concentrated on my words as I explained in short what the substance did, yet he turned his head to the side refusing to drink it after he made sure I did first. I wanted to yell at him if I could, to tell him to let go of his pride for once, yet I didn't instead I still held his hand in mine.

"Please Saito, you'll die."

He didn't ignore me completely yet his hand also didn't leave mine. I was wheezing, but breathing as the potion started to work. Or perhaps it was just the Placebo effect and we would die by morning due to my stupidity and stubbornness. But I wanted to trust Kurama, I had to.

"You got hurt saving my life."

"And got hurt saving me."

This was silly and the more time we lost the less his chances decreased. Pushing the potion in my mouth I turned his head to meet my face. Wide eyes watched me as the distance became smaller and smaller. Parting his lips gently with my fingers he let me get closer and closer until out lips touched and he swallowed the healing agent. I have already went overboard with a move too bold for Saito yet I didn't put distance between us the moment my purpose was fulfilled. He didn't push me away and I didn't create the necessary space between us. His right hand pushed my hair back as we kissed.

Parting I looked into a pair of gorgeous eyes staring at me wide, cheeks flushed.

"Why?"

It was a good question, but I had no answer. Instead I also asked.

"Why did you kiss back?"

It was basically the same intention, my question and his had the same effect.

"Apologies" my eyes widened as I got back on my bed. His hand left mine as he looked to the side, away from me "I will not take such action in the future" I struggled against all kinds of pains at the moment and the thoughts became harder to form. Looking back at me his tired eyes tried to focus my face "Until you decide what you want."

Smooth.


	7. June 29th

When dawn broke my weary eyes managed to focus a very concerned Yamazaki watching over us. The night had been dreadful, pain latching onto us before going away, the healing proving to be more strenuous and energy draining than I had anticipated. As soon as Yamazaki heard the slightest move he glanced over at me, eyes wide.

"How did you?"

I was healed, the only thing still hurting me was the thick needle that helped me breathe which didn't get pulled all out as my body healed. All I could hope and pray for was that I did not catch any other diseases since I knew sterilization of medical utensils wasn't that far off in ancient times. I pulled it out of me with one swift move as my teeth grinded together. I had enough of pain.

"Is he alright?"

Yamazaki nodded and I sighed. They all knew I was aware of the existence of Furies since I encountered them in my past visits. It was one of the reasons I could not allow a brilliant man such as Saito to lose his sanity. And it was one of the reasons why I was being looked at as if I was from another planet as two vials containing the Water of Life sat there untouched while two other vials were hidden away under Saito's pillow and we were both out of harm's way.

"Let me bandage that."

"I'm fine, I need some air."

But I just wanted to be alone. As soon as the sliding door closed behind me my vision blurred as hot tears streamed down my face and my body shook uncontrollably. I pressed my fists to my eyes so hard that I saw phosphenes through the blurs. Biting at my lower lip I drew blood.

We've been attacked by demons, the last display of power I didn't know I had left me and no one came. Hiei didn't come in the last moment to save me. If it wasn't' for the healing agent from Kurama I would have died.

And suddenly it was all so clear to me. I have been abandoned. I wanted to scream out loud until all sounds and voice drained from my body. He left me all alone. He would have never allowed a demon to touch, let alone hurt me.

Hearing footsteps approaching I ran. I had healed so my legs were working perfectly. But I couldn't face anyone then, I couldn't let them see me. I knew the captains would have questions as to why me and Saito are alive and healed. Only Kondou, Hijikata and Saito knew I was human, at least I hoped that was the case. Retreating to my room I paced back and forth rubbing at my eyes furiously. Think. THINK!

That power came from anger and fright. I did not want Kazama to kill Saito. Yet my body never acted like that, Valery's powers were also of a different nature. I was certain that whatever was buried inside of me actually left my veins. I had lost a weapon I didn't know I had.

Running my fingers through my hair I realized I had dried blood in it. Mine? Saito's?

My head snapped to the door as it slid open and Saito stood there watching me in his usual cold and calm manner.

I couldn't force myself to smile even if I was glad to see he was alright. Carefully he took a step forward as if unsure his body was working in the correct way, however his eyes never left my face.

"The commander wishes to speak with us, but I advised I would first check up on you and see if you are ready to speak to anyone."

He wasn't saying it, but I was certain my eyes were red and hazy, the tip on my nose also a hint of pink form crying. His cold stare traveled to my lips and I could read the intent of wanting to reach out to me but contained himself.

"That display of power…" he was unable to finish the sentence as I shook my head.

"Gone"

I couldn't feel anything and it somehow made me feel even less powerful. I could try and concentrate however maybe all I could manage to wield out would be a fart and I don't think Saito would be very impressed by that display. His mouth opened as ideas ran in his mind but he looked reluctant.

"I thank you for saving my life but I must insist that in the future you let me handle the fight."

My brows rose as I stared at him without blinking. He did not just say that.

"A woman…" he's not going to go there "A man should protect a woman so please let me protect you." my jaw clenched to the point my teeth hurt and I could not hold back any longer.

"I don't need protection!" I snapped, fists balled to my sides "I also am a warrior in case that escaped your mind, I will never be some innocent damsel that has the need…"

"That was Valery, not you."

His words interrupted my electric speech and a new panic set in. with the loss of whatever that was would I now forget how to wield a sword? Would their language soon become incomprehensible to me?

He was still watching me as I once again paced back and forth ready to tear a hole in the floor as my mind could not sit still.

"I need to leave"

I muttered as my head shot up to look at him and my feet finally stopped. His face twisted as he was probably trying to pin point his exact feelings. In a sense I didn't like that. Feel! Erupt! Do something. Get MAD!

"Where do you want to go?"

The answer to his question was "common ground". Valery and Hiei bought a house in Human World in a secluded area in a forest. Even with an older map than the one given to the gang so we could have a laugh, I could still find it. A common ground might be the answer to feeling something, finding something, anything.

"I need a map. You can tell Kondou and Hijikata exactly what happened, not like I can lie or wish to."

His head bobbed once however his mouth repeated the previous question addressed. Scanning his face carefully I noted how he made me feel. Even if he was not like Hiei, there were similarities that were hitting me harder that anything. That controlled expression, dark attire, taciturn nature. Running my fingers through my hair I swore as my fingers tangled in the bloody mess that stuck chucks of hair together.

"I will provide you with a map and accompany you in finding him." Something else trigged behind the cold vaults of his eyes, yet his expression remained the same. And I know he noticed how my breath caught in my chest and the fact that my face couldn't hide the surprise "Now come with me please, we need to wash the blood out of your hair."

For once I obeyed and lowered my head following his tracks. I let his long fingers untangle my hair and wash out the crimson blood. Crimson…

"Why Saito?"

I finally managed to ask as he was dabbing at my hair with a dry cloth. Taking a deep breath his hands lowered and I could feel his eyes at the back of my head, but I didn't dare turn.

"Without facing him you will not be able to form a resolve as your feelings will always get in the way."

"I see."

I whispered for myself. But what if Hiei never wished to face me? So how could I form my own resolve when he wasn't willing to provide me with answers?

Turning to Saito and finally looking at him I wanted to see those icy eyes judge the emotional mess I was, to tell me I was weak for feeling like this or frown and roll his eyes, but he didn't. There, looking down at me, was a man willing to help me, a man who cared for my wellbeing. So I accepted.

* * *

We spent time looking over a map after we explained to Hijikata and Kondou how we were alive and well not six feet under.

He took it upon himself to ensure a small carriage with one horse so I wouldn't have to walk through the heat for days. Saito was allowed to leave the headquarters will me as he held the title of my protector. Pffff!

As we were busy with preparations so we could leave the following day, Hijikata called for a meeting in the common room. Upon arriving all the captains were already there. Seeing Yamazaki and Chizuru in a far end corner I went and placed myself near them. For a brief moment Hijikata looked at me before focusing his attention back at the group and my heart rhythm picked up. The reason behind the gathering was the attack from Kazama. However he did not linger too much on the subject yet his voice elevated when asking who discussed my marriage and social status out in the open.

Eyes shifted between the several confused faces present in the room, mine also taking in the crowd. After a few moments one hand rose and then a second one, Harada and Shinpachi. Sharp eyes watched them bow their heads however I spoke first.

"It's fine, of course people talked."

Hijikata got up from his spot and faced me.

"Are you really alright with that?"

My bros rose as I also stood up.

"Of course, not like they did it with malicious intent. As far as they were aware I might have never returned. Demon World is not exactly the friendliest of places. And the reason you all even found out about it was because I asked Spirit World to inform you. Trust me, not knowing what goes on with people is a bitch. So what if Kazama came for me? Not like he can take me."

Hijikata frowned, but his gesture told me the rest did not know I was a human which for me was a good thing. Not many have seen the display of power from past visits so it's not like they knew what to look for.

"I would do nothing to harm you." our staring contest was interrupted by Harada's words, but I already knew that "We were drunk one night and didn't pay attention, I am sorry, it was me who instigated the discussion in the first place."

I wasn't mad, had no reason to be, yet Hijikata still gave everyone a lecture. I sat there, his voice more like white noise as my mind went back to the wedding. The king and queen of Demon World, standing tall and proud together after so much hardship. We defeated enemies, found hope and solutions when everyone couldn't see any. Then why the fuck was I now alone, inside a room with people that are not my kin? Sure, they care, but how does that make me feel any better? I was his wife, his mate which for demons went beyond any bond and vow. We are bound by blood.

I ran my hand across my neck feeling the emotions chocking me. Touching the area where the mark should have been I felt emptier that ever. Vulnerable attempts of healing myself shattered. Hijikata was still speaking when my body moved on its own. Mumbling a fast "excuse me" I left the room with my eyes glued to the floor.

How the Hell did I get to this? My hand trembled as I raised it to touch my forehead and I stopped to stare at the palm of my hand. What did you do to me Hiei, why can't I remember?

The door behind me slid open and I jumped. Kondou looked at me with a kind expression in his eyes that made me feel even more powerless. I then noticed Hijikata was still ranting, his voice muffled once again by the sliding door.

"What you are feeling is normal." His eyes trailed somewhere in the distance "I would have been more worried if you are here smiling and having a good time." I felt like sinking as I nodded once "Is your husband a good man?"

"Define good."

Surprise washed over his features as my own mind tried to come up with the right answer. Me as me and not Valery would not end up with someone like Hiei. Sure, he's the type I would generally go for, but I learned how to steer clear from such characters. In the end nothing good can come out of such a toxic relationship. I am not some magical healer that can mend broken hearts and souls, despite my wish to do so. I would end up getting hurt, pushed away and resenting myself.

Snapping out of my thoughts I also looked in the distance at the building tops cursinf at myself as I realized I was watching and hopping he would be there.

"Hiei is a full-fledged demon with an attitude problem. He is not exactly the type you can classify as good Kondou." My jaw clenched and I also tensed up "But he is a fighter, strong and fiercely loyal once you gain his trust. He pulls through when you least expect it, but he still has a lot to learn. He's realty a very linear type of a man."

Kondou smiled apologetically when our eyes met once again.

"Men usually have a one track mind. I guess that's why most of us need a woman to save us. Of course we won't admit it, but women are stronger." I wanted to believe him and his words. I need to but I couldn't. "Thank you." My head turned towards him and I raised an eyebrow "For saving Saito, we owe you."

No then didn't. Of course I saved him, I was to blame. If I wasn't there Kazama wouldn't have made his way to the headquarters, not so early at least. Damn there demons.


	8. Ending of June – Beginning of July

The last day of June proved to be sunny even though there were a few scattered clouds when Saito woke me up. By the time I had finished my coffee and breakfast the heat was starting to rise signaling a new torrid day ahead. I packed light, wore traditional clothes and did my best to try and not stand out. Just the two of us on the road wasn't too safe especially with the recent attack. I did question Hijikata's reasons. Why did he agree to let Saito go with me? And I wasn't ready to believe the entire protector jazz because no, just plain and simple no.

I pondered as I sat in a crutched position smoking, thinking I was sneaky. Around the Shinsengumi members it felt like I was surrounded by multiple groups of parents. Hijikata going all "bind your chest, don't wear revealing clothes in a headquarters full of men."

My nose wrinkled as I did my best to glare at an ant that stopped on a leaf. Saito's words came to mind next "don't let your emotions cloud your judgement." Rolling my eyes even the ant raised an antenna before walking away ignoring my all together. Then Kondou's words saying I was strong, special.

Yeah, hitting your head against the same stupid brick wall did not make me strong, it made me stupid. Yes, Hiei equals big concrete wall.

As my eyes traced the patterns made by the smoke, footsteps were heard. Harada came near me and crutched to reach my height.

"Who are you hiding from?"

His face was straight for a second before blooming and lighting up with a big smile.

"The big bad strict Saito."

We both snickered away hidden behind some small bushes that did little to really conceal us. Yet there we were laughing away at nothing in particular. We probably and more than likely needed it, so we laughed away exposing out location as Hijikata and Saito towered over the bushes looking down at us like they just found a pair of drunken delinquents who were causing trouble. Hijikata shook his head as me and Harada got on our feet.

"You two take care of each other out there."

Me and Saito put on our best faces and nodded in unison. Harada squeezed my hand gently and wished me a safe journey all while in my other ear Hijikata was telling me off for smoking. Yup parents what did I tell you?

* * *

Once on the road I felt as if my heart was lighter. I didn't want to hope because I was expecting disappointment to be the first thing that hit me but I couldn't control my heating heart and the fact that Saito was as talkative as a rock did not help. I needed a distraction, a human being to talk about idle things so my mind could relax and not create countless scenarios that all stuck in my head and played on repeat like a spiraling…

I jumped looking at Saito with a startled gaze when he touched my shoulder.

"I called out your name three times, you seem to be very far away." My hand touched his in a reassuring manner. I was panicking indeed inside my own head. My hand fell back in my lap as his eyes focused back on the road ahead "Chizuru also asked me to take care of you. I feel she's worried."

"Why?"

He kept silent for a few moments trying his best to avoid my wide stare and to formulate in his head the right answer before relating the information to me. Maybe he did not expect me to answer or ask something right away? Watching me through the corner of his eye he finally spoke.

"She feels that you are purposely avoiding her…because she's a demon."

My brows rose. Well she wasn't half wrong but in the few days since I have returned I have been either recuperating, crying or trying not to die and I have avoided all of them so she didn't need to flatter herself just because she was a different breed. She was one of the most harmless demons out there, just like Yukina. Damn, I wonder if they miss me.

"You're mind wondered off again."

"Chizuru did nothing wrong, I judge others by how I am treated. If she never hurt me she's good."

Before telling him that I didn't notice how rigid his posture was, but once the answer satisfied his needs that of course weren't shared with little old me, he exhaled, lips curing in a small smile, feeling happy with the motion of the small carriage pulled by one horse on a country road with a girl by his side. It truly felt like we were alone under the clear blue sky.

I knew there would come a time when he would ask a million questions and try to bury out of my soul reasons and emotions in an attempt to make me understand myself and what is right, but that was not the day or time and place for such a thing.

We were happy that the first day went by without any events. Excitement can be overrated if you have too much of it in your life and I believed in that time and place we both needed a dull affair. And so it was, with us picking up where we left off as if I wasn't gone in Demon World and fought to stay alive and he was in ancient times trying to make a name for himself and batting rouge ronins.

We stopped at the edge of the forest to eat and casually chat about swords. During the night we took shelter inside the small carriage and snuggled close to each other trying to get some sleep. Yet we were both alert. Every sound heard made him grasp his sword and wrap his arm tight around me. I knew he wouldn't let anyone hurt me but I still flinched when sleep tried to catch up to me. I half expected not ronin, not demons or furies to face us but a very angry Hiei, glaring inside the small carriage ready to slice us in half. Why was I suddenly so afraid of him?

Even if I didn't know the reason for Valery and Hiei's downfall at the end of the day I resembled the person he cared for. Hm, cared. I guess in one way or another I knew Hiei erased his feelings or was trying to. But I was never his, just a part of me was and he abandoned even that.

* * *

But when I reached that clearing that used to have the house Hiei and Valery lived in, it wasn't a part of my soul that hurt, it was all of it. I sat in the grass visualizing with eyes wide open where everything was. I could see our smug faces when the gang arrived after following the old map and hiking in the forest on a horrible hot day. I could see Hiei jumping out of the tree and making fun of Kuwabara, taunting him like always. How the girls smiled and lit up all at once when they saw her after all that time.

However in front of me there was nothing but vegetation and the scotching sun above my head. I felt nothing, no energies, no connection and my heart beat in my ear drums. A panicked and fragile goner heart. I felt like such a fool. What the Hell did I really expect to find?

Taking a breath I shuddered and exhaled in short successions.

Saito's figure appeared near me and his fingers brushed my cheek as his penetrating cold gaze paralyzed me to the core. Brushing the hair from my tear stained face he leaned closer, rarely blinking.

"Is he the sort of man you want to return to?"

The part of me that held Valery said yes in one breathless word, however my own person didn't want that. Even if my own soul cared deeply for his why would I go to such a man? If he did abandon me why would I forgive him? He was toxic, abrasive, aggressive, immature in emotions. He represented all the reasons why I ran from all those bad and dark relationships.

Saito cupped my cheeks as his eyes remained locked with mine. He was reading all of my reactions, counting the times I blinked, my pulse, every change in my expression.

"You're scared." He did not ask why, he just placed his hand over my shoulder and pulled me closer to his chest. My breath evened as I mimicked how his chest expanded "I think you can start telling me what happened after you married him."

"Not me." I answered burring my face in his clothes, getting lost for a second in the warmth he was emanating. His arms unwrapped as he took a step back his voice falling flat.

"You carry love for that man as well, whoever you are now or else your emotions wouldn't be so real. Why did you come here if you weren't in the middle of this? Why search for answers then? You need to make a choice. Chose who you are and what you want."

I did feel insulted and mad, but damn it he was right. Grinding my teeth was of no use, so I eventually painted him the portrait of our first months as king and queen. How we both tried to get used to one another since we have never spent too much time together and without someone trying to fight or kill us. How I shinned less and less and didn't leave for Human World anymore and he didn't want to hear about going back. We never talked about the fight that almost tore us apart and canceled the wedding.

It was during those months that Hiei saw my dislike towards demons grow into hate. With every sneer, sniff of my scent, whispers behind my back, I grew wearier and hid myself better. I took care of the paper work that Hiei hated so much and spent countless hours locked in the meeting pilling documents and patrol reports. I used to also go on patrols but Hiei would always get agitated so I stopped. Why did I?

Saito looked at me as I stopped talking as I tried to understand for myself why did Valery try so hard to satisfy this man? I could understand making compromises, but nothing of the sort.

"She's so weak, breaking apart on the whims of a demon, yet I have sides like that myself. How pathetic."

I think I've just unlocked the ANGER stage. And as days progressed on the road, Saito taking a detour in order to take me to some fancy inn, I grew angrier and more agitated. I was pitying and hating myself at the same time.

But as I stayed awake looking up at the ceiling and Saito sleeping soundly next to me since there was only one room available all I left like doing was running away.

But Saito managed to subside my anger. His words came out hushed and shy when he told me I didn't deserve to like this, that he'll protect me will all that he has and I had no idea where it all came from. Are these people not getting the fact that I am not her?

But he made me realize that he actually did care. Cared about me, her, all of me in the end and had done so since the first time.

"I was always last and saw others who got close to you faster than me. I don't want that to happen anymore, I want you to notice me."

How could my heart not melt?


	9. Along July

Days were different, some easier to get by, some harder and some just blending into each other. By then I have made a promise to Hijikata to do all in my power to aid them and their cause yet there were days when I still felt like running away. But I started taking small steps, joining them for meals, helping Chizuru around headquarters, being out of my room more. I promised Kondou I would cook more foreign dishes and teach Saito how to do them as well. His attempts of spending time with me were sweet, but him and I were both reluctant and in the end it was due to the same reason. I would not move forward and he would not move towards me.

"Until I sort out this mess I don't want to use you as a rebound."

And I really didn't. But there were nights when it got harder and I would end up questioning everything and almost explode in all the colours of my heart. So Saito would stay beside my bed, hold my hand and caress my hair making sure I at least got a few hours of sleep. But it wasn't him who saw me crying. Oh no!

I took on the habit of snaking out of the headquarters in the dead of the night, make it halfway across the city and up the temple stairs. I would not pause, my body working more on its own, but my mind would stop to send a prayer in hope of something more, before I would climb the lumber stacked out back and jump the fence.

Why was I doing all that?

Just so I could reach the forest behind the temple and sit in silence trying to reach Hiei somehow. I had hoped that with me being alone he would find the "courage" to talk to me or at least approach me. But of course that did not happen. I did not expect miracle, but what I did not expect was…well, nothing.

* * *

Losing hope is a process that breaks you apart, piece by piece. Parts of your heart are stripped away, pealed one by one, the pain deepening without you having any control over it.

And so it goes, with me chocking on my own heart, crying in my room. I did not expect the door to slide open and for Sano's eyes to fall on me as his strong arms pulled me in a tight embrace. I cried harder as a new thought stuck in my head and felt me breathless: Yu Yu Hakusho is not real, the boys are all fictional characters.

"What if I imagined it all Sano?" I asked eyes searching for answers on his face "He's not real, Hiei is not real."

He shook me lightly as his hands gently gripped my shoulders.

"You're not crazy Val and if you are then we all saw the same ghost when he came to rescue you."

I felt like I couldn't breathe once more.

"Then where is he now?"

A sympathetic smile flashed on his lips.

"Are you sure he knows where you are?"

And this is how I ended up asking myself more questions. What if Sano was right and he didn't know? What if none of my friends knew?

So I made it my mission to meditate and force my mind to create a vivid picture in my head so I could reach him. But painting a picture of him in my head proved to be harder than anticipated, as if I had trouble remembering certain aspects relating to him.

What have you done Hiei?

* * *

On the 11th of July I was in the forest. Had fallen asleep leaning against a tree just shortly after the sun rose. Normally by that hour I would have been back at the headquarters but I couldn't bring myself to lift my body. I was drained emotionally, tired of trying to reconnect with Hiei, fearing his reactions. Tired of Saito and everyone tip toeing around me. Fed up with it all.

What woke me up was thunder. My eyes snapped wide and I stood up immediately feeling a rush of dizziness taking over. A rustle accompanied by a breeze of wind made me aware of a presence near me. When my vision cleared soon after my abrupt display I saw Amagiri just gazing at me. Before I could turn to search my surroundings he spoke.

"I am alone, however you shouldn't be." I rolled my eyes even if I knew he was right yet he paid no mind to my reaction "Demons roam this forest." Scoffing I took out a cigarette despite the slight change on his face.

"It's not demons I fear lately, more the lack of."

The gentle giant just nodded once closing his eyes looking up at the grey skies.

"A storm is approaching. Go before there will be more."

He didn't mention his companions but it was clear what he meant by his words. Both of us took a low bow then were on our way as soon as the skies roared for a second time.

But as I ran through the forest because I could not return the way I came I asked myself who I was I running to? NO ONE, that's fucking who.

So as the rain poured over me, I just walked slowly towards the town gates. My hair was dripping red, my clothes were soaking wet and sticking to my body as the rain drowned all sounds. Yet I screamed when someone grabbed me and raised my hands to defend myself. Both my wrist were held in place as a pair of ice blue eyes came in view.

"Saito…"

When he spoke it was low and dangerous.

"Where were you? Why didn't you tell anyone you left?" there was fury and fatigue riddled on his face "Let's go, everyone is looking for you."

He managed to grad my absent minded self to the gates where I saw Kondou waiting for us.

"You'd better have a good explanation." Came out of Saito's mouth before I yanked my hand free from his.

"I'm leaving, I don't need you worrying over me." He stood there, mouth opened for a brief moment as I probably shocked him with my words.

"You're right, I don't know what I was thinking. You Valery are a very dangerous woman."

And with that he turned, passed Kondou before excusing himself and just left. The commander however extended his umbrella to shield me and smiled.

"He's not vulnerable because he cares about you. Saito is a complicated man, but he's honest and loyal."

"Sounds familiar." I mentioned trying to push the umbrella away yet his hand stopped mine as he turned me back to the city gates.

"You are free to go if that is what you wish, you are not a prisoner here. But he genuinely cares for you and doesn't need you pushing him away just so you can protect him like your husband did for you."

Like a loving father he caressed my hair as I cried because a part of me knew and believed Hiei did what he did so Valery could go on living. I knew then I could never forgive that, but I would also never grow to hate him for it.

* * *

So when I finally calmed down, Kondou let me inside a tea house where Saito sat alone. He listened to my apology and where I was running off to and accepted it without further questions. We did not go home that night because I was set in trying to work through my feelings and mine alone, not Valery's. and he payed attention and held me close.

Hiei wasn't real, we had an anime character. Hiei wasn't even real enough for Valery to stick around to.

"You're not real Saito."

And as the earth shook and I fell back he reached out for me. I could feel Kyoto slipping away from me, falling apart all around me. But when the shaking stopped I wasn't back in the city I knew, back in my kitchen drinking my coffee and smoking a cigarette. I was in Saito's arms who was holding onto me for dear life. Was that an earth quake?

I miscalculated. You is real and existed in the past and in history.

It's not time to form my resolve.


	10. 17th of July and then beyond

"Tell me about your world."

So this is how me and Saito decided to spend the small amount of time we had available, sitting on the porch drinking tea, my voice relating to him stories I have heard or read. I have started and drafted a plan, I would tell him one night about a pub and the wild fun going on inside of it, the following how I cried while reading "Me before you" and how I cried again when I watched the movie. I even wanted to draw for him so he could have a visual of the tall buildings, fancy clothes and hair styles out there.

He would join me in the kitchen when I would take my turn and marvel at the new dish I would prepare while always making sure he had the first taste just so I could read his expression and giggle when he would blush and realize I stared in his eyes a second too long.

Then there was the 17th when Saito's turn came to cook so as many times before I volunteered to go and help him out. Seeing me being more constant made him relax slightly especially since he realized as well as me that I was stuck. Not in a bad sense don't get me wrong, but I would not disappear overnight.

I watched him through the corner of my eyes how his hands worked, sleeves rolled up. The temperature from outside and from inside the kitchen became a bit too much even for him and he finally decided to discard his scarf and puller at his clothes a bit to reveal s small portion of his chest.

"Are you alright? You look pale."

I shook my head as my attention focused back to the pot I was stirring in.

"I'm fine Saito."

Not believing me more than likely, he put the knife aside, wiped his hands clean and edged closer to me.

"If you're not well then go rest, I'll finish up here."

My eyes followed his jaw line, moving up to his lips lingering before finally looking in his eyes. My left hand reached out and touched his chest, action that made him flinch slightly at the skin on skin contact. I knew I wanted to kiss him the moment my breath trembled when he edged close to me. He made me want it even more when he gazed in my eyes with such intensity that froze and melted me all at once.

But there was one thing wrong.

Pulling my hand away I clutched my chest breath intensifying with every gulp of air that reached my lungs. Saito caught me as my legs gave out and my mind raced.

Cursed, I'm cursed, he fucking cursed me!

I balled up, the pain in my chest making the breathing from before hard. My heart was rapidly beating against my rib cage trying to match up the panic building up in my brain.

As Saito yelled out for Yamazaki, soon him and Okita were in the kitchen kneeling next to us. It took me a few good minutes to calm down and some cold water to cool myself. The same water was used for dipping a rag and patting my face until I gained some colour back.

"What happened? Heart attack?"

I strained to look at Okita, my lids feeling heavy. I'm guessing he had never seen someone have a heart attack, but Yamazaki was quick to dismiss the theory. He opened my mouth and tapped my cheek a couple of times then sighed in relief.

"Lack of vitamins and most probably sleep."

To which I nodded. My body could not produce on its own enough calcium and magnesium and I could keep that in check with some supplements from the local pharmacy. But here it was a different story and to be honest the last thing on my mind.

* * *

I rested that day that day and Yamazaki was adamant I follow a strict regime that he put together so which I agreed to.

But after sleeping all day, late at night I was wide awake. Tossing and turning did not bring back the sleep I should have craved for and neither did it calm my nerves. If I had kissed Saito would it have meant cheating considering I in a way hold Valery? Would a part of me suffer, all of me or none at all?

So I ran, once again through back alleys, holding onto my chest that still hurt after the previous episode. I ran up the temple stairs, stopping at the top to catch my breath. The pain would fade, I kept telling myself. There had been too much stress, that's all. Too little sleep and not eating properly.

"Apologies but I need to ask you to come with me."

My head shot up to see Amagiri all alone on the temple grounds. As I practiced on him my best stare the sounds of the night shattered, sword fighting going on the in distance. The headquarters, Kazama must have went after Chizuru.

"What do you need me for?"

He had not yet made a move towards me but I knew he could do so in a split second.

"You have access to a words where we belong."

I scoffed not being able to control my reaction. Of course that enticed Kazama.

"And you think that if you have me you can get in?"

He gave a sharp nod extending a hand to me.

"Your husband will come for you."

Debating on whether to draw my swords I glared holes in the demon before me.

"If you use me you'll die, simple as that. You won't get in."

His hand dropped to his side as he mentioned he had no intention of fighting me the second my hands went for the swords. But he must of knows I would not come quietly.

"If I may ask, where is your husband?"

"Making a mistake."

I hissed through my teeth as he started taking slow steps towards me, but I knew he wasn't my enemy, not truly, not by how he acted. He was following orders, orders that he could have well lived without. But how could I convince him to let me pass and not take me to Kazama?

"Demon World has different rules so don't think for a second threats are the way to go." Abandoning the idea of fighting him entirely because frankly it would have been a stupid move I kept on speaking "if you take you'll be considered a traitor. Trust me one life is not the way in, even if I am the queen."

He looked at me, standing there in complete silence probably trying to figure out if I was speaking the truth. But I wasn't lying. One world would not fall on its knees for me, queen or not. His gaze flickered passed me so I also turned for a second to see Saito running up the stairs, sword already drawn.

"If you are here, it must mean this world has more to offer you."

Amagiri spoke before Saito could reach us, before his words could come to his ears. Oh how right he was, despite him not knowing it. As I looked back at the demon before me on the edge of tears his face softened as his hand rose to touch my cheek.

"I apologize if I spoke out of line."

Next thing Saito's sword came in view as Amagiri took a step back, the valiant warrior standing before me, stance ready however Amagiri bowed and just left.

It was then I could breath.

Hiei knew I was alive, he surely sought out Spirit World to find out how I was doing, he knows but he's not the one standing saving me. Saito's arms wrapping around me brought me back to reality.

"I saw you going up the stairs."

That's right, he had the night patrol, I didn't think of that. My wild thoughts came to a stop when his lips covered mine. But he…he said he wouldn't.

"I thought I couldn't reach you in time."

But he did. My arms wrapped around his neck. I needed to feel him close to me, to convince myself that he was indeed real and I wasn't on the verge of madness.

"I thought you said you wouldn't touch me."

His embrace tightened as he whispered slowly into my ear.

"And I thought I told you I am not that strong of a man."

I could feel his heartbeat against my body, if he wasn't real I didn't know what was anymore.

* * *

That night was successful for both me and Chizuru. We were both safe and sound. As my heart calmed down my thoughts went back to a discussion Valery once had with Koenma.

He asked what she really wanted, what was she doing and what she was going to choose. She couldn't keep it up, fighting for all the worlds out there. He knew she had to choose a side sooner or later. Human World? Demon World? The realm of the Gods? Lost worlds? Alternate worlds? Where did she truly belong?

But that night I was the one that made a choice. As Saito sought out all the bravery in his heart, as he kissed me and laid me on his bed I knew what would I would choose. I belonged to Human World.

There was something that melted my heart as I looked at Saito covered only from the waist down, arm over his eyes yet I could still see his flustered even as his breath evened.

"Aren't you going to look at me?"

I asked trying not to giggle like a little girl as he shook his head the red reaching his ears, but I did laugh to myself. When he spoke, his voice trembled, agitated yet trying to remain calm and keep up his stoic appearance even while naked.

"I apologize I need a few minutes."

My brows lifted as thoughts began to spring to life.

"You need a few minutes to think if you made a mistake or what?"

That finally got his attention although the look he gave me was far from pleasant.

"You still haven't decided. It was inappropriate, you are not mine to have."

All I could do was scoff and laugh although that sounded nothing like my laughter.

"Not yours yet you enjoyed it. Tell me, what's going to happen now? Do we go back to before, do we become more? Do we leave it as a one night thing?"

My lips moved as well as my hands as I did my best to get dressed fast enough. He got up, walking towards me, glancing in my eyes from time to time.

"You are the one that needs to decide, you are aware of my feelings for you."

"Me or Valery?"

His eyes widened as my teeth grinded against each other until my jaw hurt, but he still didn't answer.

"I think it's best I leave."

As I slid the door open and stepped out I saw Hijikata turning the corner. He froze me in place with a vicious glare as he closed the distance between us. Damn that man, he's scarier than a demon. He stepped into the room looking at Saito and ordered him to get dressed. He didn't want to hear a word from us and by the look he gave me he was tired by the problems that resulted by my presence there.

I have no idea what he told Saito, but he wasn't too happy when I came in and took a seat looking him dead in the eye.

"I will tell you a few things and I expect for you to understand everything." He was mad alright "This is a headquarters full of men, I can't have them distracted by you, especially one of the division captains. I ordered him to stay away from you so you can form your own resolve or have you given up on finding your way back?"

I took a small breath to calm myself trying not to make the situation harder for me or Saito.

"You are to obey the Shinsengumi rules since you are one of us. If not you will commit honorable suicide." Looks like he wasn't done "You will be punished however I can't make an example out of you since I can't have your escapade reaching the ears of the men." Looking to the side I kept repeating in my head to calm the Hell down. "I don't know what you've done to Saito."

"ENOUGH!"

In a few steps he was in my face, hands coiled in my robe.

"What did you say?" those demon eyes were menacing.

"I said enough." I repeated returning the glare "What can you do to me? Hit me? Make me train and push me around? I can take all that human and all." I pried his hands off me "But listen to what I have to say as well. If I find my way back or not is not the point. I made my choice and even if tonight was a mistake so be it. I have to deal with it. If Saito will obey your order to stay from me then his intentions towards me where not what I imagined them to be." He finally calmed down as he listened to me speak "I know the rules and there's nothing in them about two member having sex and you can't put that in there or else people will know where to look and last…I have done nothing to Saito. He can make his own choices and is not your lap dog."

He came back in my face picking me up by the arm forcefully dragging me to the training grounds where he placed a wooden swords in my hands as he took one for himself.

"If you are honest, have formed your resolve and care for him then you will withstand the training with me."

Just as expected he let his anger out on me to see if I could bare it. I knew and have always known Hijikata to be the devil commander yet he worried for his men like a mother hen and that night he was worried Saito would get hurt. Yet whenever I failed and his sword bruised another part of my body he asked a question and expected an answer by the next time he got to hit me again.

"Why did you think you came here?"

Dodge, slide.

"Because I feel safe here. Argh!"

A blow landed on my arm.

"Why did he leave you?"

My hands shook when our swords collided.

"I don't know."

That time he kicked me in the dirt as I wasn't paying attention, my brain being rattled.

"Will you even forgive him?"

I barely managed to say "no" his skill outranking mine. Yet I told him I needed to know the reason for my abandonment and he quickly counteracted saying I have surely not formed my resolve.

When dawn broke I was shaking from head to toes, bruised and battered, hurt and tired. Hijikata dropped his sword panting.

"Now tell me, why did you marry him?"

That's when I fell to my knees sighing.

"Because I loved him. We've been through so much together and I really thought he changed and matured. I thought nothing would or could break us apart, nothing but us I guess. Shortly after leaving me in Human World we went after our attackers on a hint received. We really wanted to make Demon World a tad safer. I can't remember the context of our discussion after but he was so furious because they wanted me and I think at that time and place he felt powerless."

I took another deep breath dropping my sword.

"But I told him we'll make it and after all that we'll go back to our lives and perhaps" my voice broke "Start a family."

Hijilata's eyes widened as he stepped closed to me.

"He didn't take the idea well. Not at all in fact."

The commander's hand rested on the top of my head as I rose my eyes to look at him. I expected myself to break down and cry but I was calm.

"What is your resolve?"

"I want to save you all when the war comes."

He kneeled before me and spoke softly, smiling.

"So you know our destinies?"

That's when my eyes watered. I knew so many would die, so so many.

"If it reached your time then it must have been a good death, one that mattered. That's enough for me."

But it wasn't for me.


	11. July 19th

My hands bled as the blisters on the palm of my hands broke and deteriorated further, new wounds forming despite the bandages I wore. I wish I could have slept however I was jolted back to reality after just a couple of hours. Draining my own batteries I tried to summon old powers through pain and anger.

It was Yamazaki who stopped me, literally pulling the swords from my hands and immobilised me long enough to really assess the state I was in.

"Who did this to you?"

I was bruised, dirty, hair a mess. There has always been a darker side to be, always something sinister brewing inside and pushing me, letting me endure pain, so I smirked.

"I am fine."

"Fine? You call this fine?" he yelled looking at my hands "Why are you being so hard on yourself? Don't let a man define who you are Valery."

Those words brought me back, like a shot of something sour. Looking at his troubled face I memorised the pain written on it. Why was I doing this? For Hiei? Because of him? Smiling at Yamazaki I apologised for the hardship he had to endure because of me but he still bandaged my hands and made sure my bruises were not due to broken bones, all that without batting an eye.

As soon as I was all patched up and after promising him I would let my body heal I went to find Saito. Hey, I said heal, not rest! I had things to say to the stoic samurai and even if Hijikata might have punished me again I still had to know some things.

Because if I didn't hear those worlds coming out of his mouth and his alone I would break further. If he was following Hijikata's orders I wanted him to tell me, to let me know how easy it was to just abandon me.

To tell me I'm loveless.

To tell me I wasn't good enough for him.

To push me away if needed but not to let me wonder in the dark. There past few months have been hard on their own.

Confront me!

Yell at me!

DO SOMETHING!

I have managed to find him late, close to sunset, near the river banks. He was just standing there looking up at the sky contemplating on things I couldn't see.

"Saito!" I called out to him regretting the action immediately. What the fuck was I doing? His eyes travelled to me, lingering as he came closer, tracing with his long fingers the bandages on my hands, the bruises on my arms, my cracked lip, the bruised cheek "About Hijikata's orders."

Saito tilted his head to the side slightly as the words clenched in my throat and I could feel tears chocking me. His arms wrapped around my body, one hand softly stroking my hair as I cried.

"I don't intend to honor his order and he knows that."

The air in my lungs set still as I looked up to him in bewilderment. He was the man who would always follow orders, obey Hijikata blindly at every step.

"How come?"

A smile graced his lips and damn it looked good on him, too bad it was such a rare sight.

"I have waited far too long for a chance to get close to you."

"So you won't abandon me?"

I knew it sounded cheesy and stupid but he looked genuinely upset by my deduction skills. Leaning in to close the distance between us he hesitated as he searched my eyes.

"You're scared despite your tough exterior, you are frightened and a big part of it has nothing to do with me. Tell me, do you regret our night together?"

A simple "no" could not suffice. He was reading into me, but if my answer was certain why would I be scared? Pulling him closer I felt his lips on mine. I didn't regret our night together.

"And your husband?" he asked as our lips parted.

"I can't love someone who doesn't love me back. He left me, no reason, no motive and I can't forgive that." His eye squinted slightly so I continues "Hajime Saito, you can't expect me to just stop having feelings for him, that won't happen because there is a lot of history there and unanswered questions as well. I won't lie to you in this sense, but believe me, just love is never enough."

His eyes fell back to my lips for a brief moment before gazing back in my eyes.

"I accept that answer, but I have a condition."

Nodding slightly I tried not to think too hard about it and just let him tell me his terms.

"I wish you know your name."

"Oh!" I blinked in surprise and smiled "It's" a sharp quick pain travelled though my skull, fading quickly before I provided him my name "Ella." For some reason he looked happy, like he just found out a long kept secret of the world.

* * *

That night we all sat outside around a big fire drinking and laughing. Hijikata did not say a word as me and Saito came back together, but rather watched us with a satisfied look on his face, like he had just accomplished a hard task. Don't worry commander dear I don't intend to hurt your prized samurai. Of course not like we even held hands but rather just sat near each other, his forearm gently brushing mine as I poured some sake for him and stole a glance.

We cooked meat over the fire and laughed as Shinpachi told us story after story. Harada performed his famous belly dance which by that point we have all seen but still laughed like it was the first time we were given the performance.

That night I also learned I was not alone. Thunder struck as the sky was still clear and my body tensed as the first gush of wind blew. It felt ominous and Saito felt it was well. His eyes turned to quicksilver as he watched his surroundings and my hand brushed his as I reached for my swords that were placed behind us. He gently took hold of my wrist turning his face to me.

"Tonight no one will hurt you, no one will take you away."

Lightning flashed and I flinched as thunder struck once more my heart beating uncontrollably. His fingers gripped me in a reassuring manner as I exhaled sharply when he advised me to act normal. My eyes went to Hijikata who gave me a reassuring nod, his eyes quickly moving to the trees. He picked up to Saito's mood in a heartbeat without even questioning it. It's either they felt danger near or he trusted his judgment. Of course he did.

Shinpachi passed in front of us taking Harada by the neck, both balancing each other in a drunker manner, but when my eyes met theirs there was so much determination and clarity set in their expression that it made me stand up straighter, control my shivering and shaking hands and just ease into it.

No one would dare come for us. We were all ready, even Chizuru who smiled my way, who was used to demons trying to take her away. We belonged to the Shinsengumi and no one would dare touch us. No demons alive would dare.


	12. July 30th

Getting over certain events is a long and complicated process with no guarantee. Scars still remain, daunting all across your body and soul. I tried to help myself get over Hiei and for most days I was fine and it was as if the Valery part of me calmed down as well. I was surprised that I was so at ease with the situations that have given me so much grief the previous months. Too calm, especially after I realised I wasn't actually missing my old life, my apartment, my friends. Something was wrongs, so why was I so ok?

I started enjoying the dynamic of the group and all it implied. And as I settled so did my little heart. Even if Hiei was on my mind and sometimes my eyes would close shut straining to keep tears at bay, I stopped. I had finally stopped trying to understand since it was killing me. This uncertainty wasn't healthy, it never is in the end. So I decided my focus should be on things I could actually control.

I cooked although Hiei never understood why I liked it. Fair enough I didn't get to really enter the kitchen in Demon World, but when we would be with the rest of the group I just had to get in there and make something. "Mortal habits" he called them, but he never complained about the food made, not once and that's how I knew he enjoyed it and probably resented the fact that we rarely had time for us, not to mention cooking and sitting at the table enjoying each other's company and a hot meal.

We were both running around, together but growing further apart. Hn! And that silly girl just sat there and took it then gave him Hell, both snapping at the same time in the most inopportune moment. What a load of crap!

Yes I believed that to be true. Bring with Hiei required a lot of patience and the chance of having a healthy relationship are close to none.

But when my eyes closed that night and saw him in the Alaric training room overlooking the soldiers with an air of confidence I froze. It was dream, however it felt real, but not even then did he look my way. He's changed there is something different about him, but as fast as him image came before my eyes, it want away as I sat up on my bed, heart beating wildly in my chest.

Stumbling on the sheets, I fell on the floor with a loud thud, getting up faster than I have anticipated I could. The door slip open and I ran. I just ran to the training arena. Reaching the cold stone floor I stopped running my fingers through my hair, grinding my teeth until I could bear it no more.

"Motherfucker!"

The echo of my voice travelled until I could no longer hear it as I panicked. He wasn't looking for me. He was training the men, that's all. My mind raced as anger filled me beyond belief. I chewed on my thumb nail hearing the crunching sound as my nail snapped between my teeth.

"You still hold love for him."

I almost jumped out of my skin upon hearing Saito's voice. Turning around his look was too grave. Too sharp. Too cold. I didn't answer, it wasn't a yes or no question anymore.

"I expect an answer Ella."

His voice sent chills down my spine yet my mind found some focus.

"Does this look like the face of someone in love? I am mad Saito."

His face betrayed no emotions as he spoke again without taking his eyes off me.

"When the anger will fade, your true feelings will surface."

Meet motherfucker number two. If you had the faintest idea that me and him settled down in our own dynamic you were wrong. Let me demonstrate.

"Why are you here? What am I to you that you keep trying to watch over me?"

"A comrade."

One with benefits apparently since he loved tossing me in the sheets, but later on resenting the action, oh so beneath him, and stating the task at hand with the Shinsengumi was him main concern and priority.

So where was I in all of that? He was still thinking about it and it was making me mad. Ultimatums were not up to debate with him as he would slither away finding a door to escape and benefit this sly soldier. I was a member of the Shinsengumi and he treated me like one, not the woman he wanted and waited to confess to. He was abandoning me just like Hiei.

I scoffed sizing him and then turned to leave and to my surprise he made no effort to stop me.

It felt like falling behind slowly and surely with no one to help me or break my fall. I didn't expect for them to come running to my side but at least for Valery, for whatever was still left of her before I decide to start pushing myself away and ultimately her.

As days would pass I would train harder, become stronger on my own in order to make it back. Too bad that my body was not as strong as I expected it to be.


	13. August

The last month of summer came and tested me in such ways that it felt like torture. It made me question so many things that I initially took as good. I doubted myself and those around me as well. I would have a hard time choosing sides and believing in myself. I would feel pain, cry tears of anger and abandonment before even daring to try again.

But we have to start somewhere. In terms of history August for the Shinsengumi was pretty eventful. Now if you want to know where I was during all of it, I need to tell you right off the bat it's not what you'd expect.

Firstly since the beginning of the month time moved slowwwwww. That was how it felt like for me, like it was dragging its damn legs on purpose. And the heat, oh boy, the damn heat. By August I was patrolling alongside the men, mostly going with either Okita or Harada and less with Saito. The reason behind me and him growing apart was actually due to a mutual agreement. All that we were doing, pulling in different directions and having different point of views, in the end was hurting the other person and we decided to stop. I tried to understand that he put his duty above all else and to think less and less that in a short amount of time, me and my counter soul Valery were abandoned by several people.

But frankly speaking I really needed to stop, all of it. Hijikata finally took me off his radar as my focus shifted to training, patrolling and helping out instead of feeling sorry for myself. And for most parts I surprised myself. I've never been a particular lazy person, but exhibiting so much discipline wasn't in my nature either. But what the hell was I going to do anyway?

* * *

Just when I felt that time wasn't my friend, Kondou took me, Saito and Inoue to recruit more men for the Shinsengumi ranks. I guess the only reason why I was allowed to come along was because he wanted to help me get away for a while. But how could I get away from my thoughts, from the Valery part that was still struggling, from being stuck in a timeline that wasn't my own? And that all came rushing out on the 8th when my mind was hazy from all the alcohol ingested.

That evening, Kondou ordered me and Saito to take a break, go out and enjoy ourselves and like good little soldiers we did just that. The talk was kept to a minimum, so in our defence we drank more in order to avoid the awkwardness. We stole glances at each other but never quite looked into each other's eyes. When I tried to make small talk he would always give me closed answers that left me with no actual way of developing a conversation. Impractical bastard! He was mad surely about something and wasn't willing to let it go or tell me about it. So I drank and pushed the cup harder against my lips and soul until all inhibitions shattered just like all I had left.

While returning we were both wobbly, me more than him of course and was swearing under my breath and sometimes not so much whenever I would trip or stumble. And then the greatest enemy of that night surfaced.

I looked at those stairs calculating if I should step with my left or right leg. Saito motioned for me to wait for him so I wouldn't fall.

"As if!" I slurred and laughed.

Left leg, one step, second step.

BAM!

"What did I say Ella?"

He scrambled to my side annoyance and concern plastered over his face. Pushing his hands away I stood up groaning. The second my right leg touched the ground not only did it hurt, the pain was so bad that I let myself fall back on my ass, tears immediately forming in my eyes as I hissed through my teeth. Ignoring my protests and swears that came alive from my mouth, he pressed his hands against my leg that already started swelling while the other had scrapes that were bleeding.

"Why don't you ever listen?"

He was infuriated as he took his scarf off, wrapping it tight against my leg. As he huffed in order to let me know he was mad. I moaned in pain as he pulled me to my feet and I glared at the stairs for a few moments. Twirling my leg brought more pain yet I threw my head back laughing at how stupid I was for falling down those stairs.

Stupid for drinking instead of talking to Saito.

Stupid for feeling so vulnerable.

So stupid.

Saito's brows lifted as tears streamed down my cheeks.

"Are you in that much pain? I can carry you."

But all that managed to do was make me cry harder. Valery's part was surfacing and she was bitter and scared and so so angry. As I balled my eyes out not caring at that time and place that I looked like a hot mess while taking uneven breaths and sniffing away tears and snot, Saito carefully placed me down on one of the steps as I shook and trembled and vibrated from the inside out.

"I, I can't. I don't want this Saito."

Looking towards the sky trying to focus my blurry eyes it was clear I also felt too many emotions. I was in fact confused, desperate for answers and at the end of my rope as I have focused more on what Valery was feeling but neglected myself. The WHYs and HOWs were not important anymore. I wanted to return, I wanted my life back that currently felt like it had been a dream and I lived more like Valery and not myself. And my heart broke further for feeling like that. I should have been stronger, more resilient than that.

Saito refrained from touching me further yet there was a gentleness in this eyes I haven't seen in a long time.

"You're finally being honest with yourself."

* * *

Limping, oh this hurts so bad, but at least I knew I got lucky. It wasn't broken and due to that reason I forced it for two days until the bruising and swelling got worse and by the time we had returned Yamazaki had a field day, running his mouth constantly.

In August there were two events that managed to hinder me further.

 **Number 1 – Kazama**

Not being able to move too much meant I could not run in case of danger or trouble. And it just happened that one afternoon as I was outside reading a book that Yamazaki gave me, the air shifted around me despite the calm atmosphere. Kazama had returned to the headquarters, calculating the time it seemed since almost no one was present at that time. He looked at my leg, which was place in a sort of cast made by Yamazaki, surely wondering what was up with that.

"You're just making my job a lot easier."

Raising my index finger I silenced him as I took the time to finish reading the page I was at, then placing it gently to my side once done. Slowly I got up with the help of my crutches after a rather silly equilibristic display.

"To what do I owe the visit?"

He smirked, probably amused by how I wobbled, but fact he did not know is that I was actually doing it on purpose.

"I need you to take me to Demon World"

"Sure" I answered amused at the cocky demanding creature before me "Demon World, Hell, same thing."

In a split second he was in my face moving faster than my eyes could follow. His hand clutched my lower jaw in a tight painful grip, but what made me furious to say the least were those bloody coloured eyes. For some reason I was not as scared of him as I would have imagined being, yes he could hurt me however I didn't really perceive Kazama as being a real element in the world I was in.

But he did feel real when my left crutch hit him between the legs and I fell back with a smirk as his teeth grinded together anger spewing from his every pore.

"I wasn't joking, it is Hell for most parts." I saw him going for his sword, but my words about Demon World were far more interesting "but sure I can take you there, but let me tell you something beforehand. I hope you have no desire to ever return or revive your clan because you won't be able to. Only the vicious make it there and you are barely showing a few fangs lord Kazama."

It had given me so much satisfaction to see that second of doubt in his eyes. In those eyes that reminded me so much of him. And that was when I too felt like something shifted inside of me.

 **Number 2 – Ronins**

The bane of the Shinsengumi. The bad part was that they knew who I was by then. And like most men assume a woman is weaker. Against one or two I could hold my ground and win, but not against five men ready to attack.

I couldn't run, by that time as August was drawing to an end, my leg was healed but not meant for too much stress. It was weak, still hurt and was covered in bruises, I haven't trained in more than two weeks either so I was getting tired fast.

They managed to corner me right before I tried to go up the temple stairs. I hit the ground as a punch interacted with my face and a kick to my stomach took the air from my body. Covering my head to avoid having my skull cracked the pummelled me with kicks, spitting on me, calling me horrible names.

They didn't use their swords, oh no, this was being done in a personal manner, this was being done in order to send a message out to the men harbouring me under their roof. If they could not get to the men, since they were stronger and had strength in numbers, they went after the only one who portrait as a woman since I did not wear men's clothes like Chizuru.

Saito and his patrol were alerted by the people fleeing away. Not one word came out of his mouth, however the look in his eyes sent chills down their spines as well as mine. It didn't take them long to strike each of them down after which he personally brought me back to the headquarters where we forged a plan.

That night we retaliated, us going after them, their numbers were increasing and the mayhem caused by the ronin had to stop. My mind shifted once more as my sword glistened with fresh blood. The smell or smoke and blood rooted themselves inside my nose as I looked down at one of the men I had incapacitated. I had not killed anyone, but I did hurt them.

"You Shinsengumi whore.'

Yet I felt numb, like my body wasn't mind, like my eyes were watching a movie scene playing in front of me. I had front row seats. There was no pain, no anger, just nothingness. The man kneeling at my feel pulled out of his sleeve a knife yelling at the top of his lungs.

"Screw you like they do!"

Hn.

As his hand flew detached from his body I pulled him by the hair placing my blade between his teeth. The shock and pain his body was going through paralysed him to the bones. He was not able to even tremble. He was just staring at me with eyes wide as his blood ran down my face and sweat down his.

"Sorry, I am royalty, I don't lay with filth like you."

Hijikata came in view barking orders for the survivors to be arrested and stopped to look at me frowning as I pushed the man to the round.

"I told you that your clothes will make you stand out."

My brain shifted again, a sharp pain passing through my skull, I felt the pieces inside of me rearrange in a completely different picture. This is not real I kept repeating. Something in my eyes surprised the devil commander, something in my stance made him hold his breath as I spoke.

"Let me wear my clothes so they know who to target and not know who came after them when I wear yours."

"You truly are the queen of devils."

No, I wasn't and after so many months neither was Valery.

 **Number 3 – Reaching out**

Taking advantage of my immobilised state I began to work on my mind a bit more. Trying to train it before sleep, trying to meditate in order to create a link between me and him. However it wasn't an easy task to do. While I could visualise places, spaces so vividly like I have lived there all my life it became impossible to place Hiei in the mix. If by any miracle I have managed to add him to the picture as well, when I tried to get close my mind would become too alert. My heart would beat out of control, like I was excited and afraid all at once which woke me up every time.

Every God damn time.

I knew I needed a new approach, to have patience with myself and work harder. I needed to try something new.


	14. First half of September

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

I had just woken up from a sudden dream, my already fragile slumber being bend and stretched beyond its limits and my own. I needed my rest, my body was begging for a calm peaceful night. My brain was not working with me, I couldn't concentrate as much and I was getting snappy fast. Rubbing my eyes, losing the last grain of sleep I had, my vision focused the door in front of my bed before glancing down at my hands. That was all I could remember from the dream that invaded my mind, a pair of hands reaching out to me. I woke up so startled as if I was fighting for my life, an invisible pull urging me to reach out to those outstretched arms.

With a heavy sigh I got up, changed my clothes and went outside for a walk to clear my head. I had no idea what hour it was but to be honest I didn't necessarily feel the need to know so badly after the past months. At the beginning of it all it made me go mad just knowing it was morning, afternoon or night, however after time has passed it was an invisible weight that was suddenly taken off my shoulders. It was just late, I could hear the sounds of the crickets playing their songs for me as the moon hung above my head lighting the darkness around me.

I forced my head to think about the dream and not the tired haze trying to engulf me. Trying to connect to a different person in an entirely different world was exhausting to say the least. But I knew one thing for certain, that was not Hiei reaching out for me. I knew his hands, due to Valery his memory was engraved in mine. Running my fingers through my hair I let out a heavy breath of air as I continued my walk, different thoughts springing to life. The tricky part with reaching out through dreams was that I had no way of knowing what was real and what wasn't. Well, as real as it could be, all things considering. Real…I shook my head as the word left the confinement of my lips. Something was wrong, I should not have been with the Shinsengumi.

"Can't sleep?"

Jumping, the fear set in my stomach until I turned to my left to see Saito and even then the beating of my heart did not still. I have not noticed him sitting on the bench, watching over me, however he was usually stealthy and to my defence my mind was somewhere else. Asking what was truly troubling me he scotched over motioning for me to take a seat next to him.

"Sorry Saito, but I need to figure this one out for myself."

Looking over at him, something different shinned in his eyes. I could read him clearly despite the darkness around us.

"I know I put my duty ahead of you" the words flew out of his mouth effortlessly, probably having ran the sentence in his mind countless time "That doesn't mean I care about you less, just that" the small break felt heavy, pushing hard against my already tired brain as I tried to make heads and tails "it's not our time."

I nodded chocking on a small "Mhm" as no other words could leave my mouth. My throat felt dry like I had just swallowed sand.

"You look ready to leave Valery."

I didn't flinch accepting the name he has yet to voice until that moment. Was I looking more like her and not me? For some good moments I struggled to remember my name, the real me as Saito spoke again, low and shy as to not disturb the demons inside of me.

"I want to say goodbye to you now" it hurt, my heart hurt "while you are still here." Wetting my lips I pressed them hard together as I blinked rapidly. His fingers gently brushed my jaw, making me look into the cold calmness of his eyes as he slowly approached, placing on my lips a gentle short kiss. It did feel like goodbye and it tore me apart.

You can imagine I didn't sleep that night and as morning showed its first light, I didn't care about breakfast or coffee. I had one destination, the temple. Furthermore I did my own head in asking myself why I was so certain I would be gone soon in one way or another.

Once up the stone stairs, just like always, I glanced at the praying area never stopping feet taking me to the back of the temple in order to jump the pile of wood in order to reach the forest behind the wall.

"May I tell you something?"

Turning around with my hands already on the hilts of my swords I saw before my eyes a small monk who did nothing but smile. Not responding I watched him with caution not knowing what to expect or if I could trust him in order to lower my defence.

"You can use the door on the right side of the wall. It's always opened and much safer."

My hands finally dropped as nothing malicious resonated from him, however I knew my eyes went the size of saucers when he delivered his previous line.

"You knew I was jumping the fence?"

Chuckling behind his hand, his entire face light up as I could only stare rubbing my hands against each other, embarrassed I was caught although I figured I was being sly.

"It's been a while since you last came."

"Mhm, had a sprain so I couldn't walk."

He nodded once accepting my explanation, for what good it provided him, gesturing with his sun kissed bony little hands for me to walk besides him in order to show me the door leading to the forest, his small amused eyes watching me constantly as we passed the praying area.

"Do you not pray?"

That question made me smile since I had expected it. He was a monk after all and praying was one of the many things he did.

"No, I don't. I mean no offence by it, but I have seen enough to know who listens."

The little man watched me, his brows raising, forehead creasing as he touched my forearm and turned me to face the small shrine.

"Try it. Praying doesn't need to be a series of wishes or words, but also used for clearing your mind in order to see more."

Taking a deep breath of air, I pressed my hands together awkwardly and closed my eyes, more as to not offend the old monk. My mind burned with so many questions so clearing it was impossible. I saw those hands reaching out to me and my heart pinned to return. I needed closure, I needed to know who was trying to take me back, to try and find me as I have tried. I wanted someone to hear me.

And then my eyes shut open as my jaw clenched, the tangled mess inside my body screaming at me to get a grip. I would have screamed as I was horrified at my own stupidity in the end, but all that came out was a wet churning sound as tears burned the back of my neck. I have had the wrong approach. I have tried so hard to focus on Hiei that until that moment, when I had a choice like the once presented a few minutes prior, choose between climbing the wood pile or taking the door. It was suddenly so clear, pieces clicking inside my head. Why have I not tried to contact Yusuke, Kuwabara, Yukina, Kurama? They were all my friends, they have been there on the 17th of June trying to speak to me when I so childishly yet again focusing on Hiei and not them.

The dark vail over my eyes lifted as I felt Valery stir up but letting my brain work, my heart. She backed out on purpose so I could see, see them all. So when we both clicked into place we knew what we had to do, try to reach and visualise everyone.

But it soon turned out that just like with Hiei's case, my mind lacked the necessary discipline and stillness. I was too eager, I felt my soul erupting like I was so close to finding out a great secret, the sensation was so palpable, I could feel it on my tongue to sweet and flavorful.

One night I have managed to settle and push through. I was so tired, lying outside on the training grounds, counting the stars I have seen on the sky over and over inside my head, behind closed lids. With my mind's eye I have managed to picture myself in Kurama's living room. Twirling slowly I was afraid to get close to anything inside the room in feeling that the fragile dream would break under the slightest touch. Kurama had fallen asleep on the couch, a book spread in his lap. His chest expanded slowly, a serene look on his pale face. I slowly approached, holding my breath with every step taken on the soft carpet. It felt so real, being there in that room, seeing him snoozing away, that I just had to just stop and enjoy the moment. Who knew what would happen.

As soon as I was certain the image was so clear, so real that it felt like I had never left I reached out slightly trembling towards him. Slow, easy, my fingers stopping before meeting his skin. I didn't want to hesitate, but what would I tell him if he opened his eyes? Would I jump in his arms? Would I cry? Would I just sit there looking in awe? But there was no time for that as I almost shook my head before stopping. I can't jolt myself awake, not now. As soon as our skin made contacted an incredible force pulled me away, feeling like my astral projection was dropped from the other side of the world inside my body, the shock hurting every bit of me before dissipating into nothingness.

Progress, small steps.

In light of the previous events the following night I went back to Kurama, the dream landing me directly on his balcony. I did not consider it a problem as with a simple twists of the handle or push of the door I could get in. Hell I was certain I could walk through it if I wanted to. Rain poured on top of me yes the discomfort was not as pronounced as in real life. As I touched the handle, once I was certain the dream would not fall apart, I wouldn't get it to budge. My hands could not push the doors open, I could not get through. And then I saw them, symbols written on papers, ward I have seen surrounding Genkai's temple. To keep out apparitions, to ward of ghosts. But I was none of those.

"What is going on?"

The sound of my own voice startled me as I felt the panic rushing to take control, digging its claws bit by bit inside my soul. This was not happening.

"No, no,no."

My eyes grew wide as I could not see inside the home either, all was obscured from my vision, all was hidden away. Those wards should not be able to keep me away.

"I am not dead Kurama! I am not dead!"

My hands hit the glass, shaking it, hopping I could break it apart. The same jolt, the same impact hit me all at once.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

I was losing hope as no progress was granted to me as days went by. On the 10th as exhaustion hit me the hardest I decided to stop trying and raised an ultimatum to the galaxies above.

"You have one week Hiei! You hear me? After that I am letting you go!"

As I slipped away from myself, as I tired myself until I started sleeping more than 12 hours a day I stopped trying. But a flutter raised inside my heart, I knew that the moment I could connect to someone I would get back.


	15. September 17th

I jumped feeling a sudden jolt rushing me back to reality and further away from the blur that were my dreams. I panicked the moment my stomach picked up the descent in the air, the pressure inside my ears making them hurt so bad and so much I feared my ear drums would burst.

"Hey, you ok?"

By then I had not registered where I was as the pain and fear made me squeeze my eyes shut as I tried to brace for the impact. Realizing I was actually strapped in to something I slowly opened my eyes, hands over my ears, trying to regulate my breath as I came face to face with my friends and I almost yelled out as the horror set in, eyes traveling all over the place.

"Wow easy, easy, you probably had a nightmare."

A nightmare?

A dream?

Memories from my actual life were starting to return. I was on a plane that was landing in Lisbon, Portugal. My group of friends had the trip planned for over half a year, we all took two weeks off work. Fumbling for my bag I pulled out my phone, eyes going wide and tearing up as I fumbled with the piece of technology like I had forgot how to use it. The date burned inside my head as breathing became an almost impossible task. The 17th of September was the day I promised I would give up on Hiei.

Was the regression not complete?

All became a blur as the laughter around me dimmed. The face printed on my passport felt like it wasn't mine. Pressing a cold water bottle I received against my forehead I tried to go back and think. Last I knew we were fighting, my body hurt but it wasn't any major damage, Saito and Okita were near me, our clothes stained in hot blood as the smell of copper invaded the night air. Ronins retaliated and we fought back, of course we did. And like a mantra in my head I kept repeating it wasn't real, all that death, all that pain and blood.

The name voiced out by my friends sounded foreign, unfitting, that name Ella was not mine.

Walking on the streets by using sheer muscle memory alone, I dragged the bag that was labelled as mine. I faked a smile when my friends turned to look at me, I tried to keep up with the conversation but it felt like the real me was only witnessing the entire event but from the spectator point of view.

Arriving at the rented apartment we all scattered to pick a room, me most of all so I could sit alone for a few bloody seconds and think. Where were the tatami mats? Where were the sliding doors and futons? The hot air despite it being already September? I could not have dreamt it all.

I muffled a sob my hands raising to my mouth as to not be heard. I disappeared out of the blue. What if I was to blame for it? I had given up, wanted to get out at one point despite the help I have promised to provide. Saito knew it best as he memorised all my struggles, all the torment that my face refused to hide as I was trying to reach out to the boys.

A loud bang was heard as the door to my room flew open hitting the wall. My best friend stared at me in bewilderment as I was on my feet, body tense and set for battle, eyes glaring daggers as I bore my teeth at him a growl escaping my chest.

"Wow" his hands went up in the air "what has gotten into you lately?"

My hands dropped to my sides as I looked to the side mad and embarrassed. The word drinks came in the equation and damn it if it did not appeal to me.

We all were out of that apartment after changing clothes and on the streets again, hot sun above our heads. We took the first terrace we could find that could incorporate our small group, a round of beers being ordered before we even had a chance to take a seat. I stared to my left at the fish tanks in the window as fabulous aromas invaded my nostrils. The beer under my fingertips felt ice cold, the same as my heart that was struggling.

"Ella, are you going to order?" I rose my eyes to look at the waiter watching me with a pair of light green eyes, concern trying to hide between his brows. Staring back at the menu I picked a random thing that looked good and ordered a white Sangria. The table exploded with cheers that nearly made me jump from my seat.

"Now we're talking. Two more please."

I could hear my heart beating loudly in my ears and I would have done anything to make it stop. I could not tell my friends what was making me space out. They could not understand that I didn't think my time with the Shinsengumi was a dream. They could not understand that the concern in the waiter's green eyes sent me thinking about Kurama straight away. They could not understand I resented the name given to me, it stung, it felt false. But Valery wasn't my name either.

I let the day consume me as we walked until our feet hurt. We drank and laughed getting lost in the heat and toxic alcohol coursing through our veins until it all moved so slow and fast at the same time. Placing a pair of headphones over my ears, I lost myself in the music. I was back where Yu Yu Hakusho was an anime and the Shinsengumi were a part of history. I was where Valery was no one but a character created and nothing more.

I have lost.

I have lost everything.

* * *

 **Dun dun dun!**

 **Now it gets interesting, where will it all go? Who will triumph, what world will keep her?**


	16. September 18th - part 1

It was all such a blur, it all happened so fast I couldn't even grasp it. Looking in my eyes he extended whispering as if afraid to disturb the demons inside my soul.

"I have found you."

Squinting my eyes I closed them back as the morning light did not appeal to me. Shifting my position slightly my body hurt, I was so sore.

"No, she's sleeping. I'll see, don't worry, I'll keep her safe."

Someone was talking over the phone, a male voice ringing in my ear. He was in another room yet I could still make out the conversation since it was so quiet. Really? We went to sleep late, who the fuck had the audacity to wake up so early? Getting up I rubbed my eyes and stared at the clock, 06:30, man we got is after 4.

My head shoot up as I finally took in my surroundings. I wasn't in the rented apartment, Christ just how drunk did we get?

In my peripheral vision I caught a glimpse of someone entering the room and I turned instantly shaking from head to toes. I couldn't utter a word as I stared at that scarlet hair, those wide emerald eyes, at Kurama. He cautiously drew near seeing the state I was in and took a seat on the living room coffee table when I scrambled to the far end corner of the couch.

"I'm not going to hurt you." He spoke low as his hands rose in a reassuring manner "Do you know who I am?" since I wasn't speaking concern settled in his eyes as his hands dropped slowly resting on his knees "Do you know who you are?"

Who was he speaking to? Was it Hiei? The thought made me panic more as I threw the covers off me and got up looking out the window and back to him in fast successions that made me dizzy all while trying to ignore the soreness spreading all over my limbs and torso.

"No one is going to hurt you, you're safe here."

Pulling at my hair I felt like I was going mad. Looking down at my body I did not recognize the clothes I was wearing to I figured they belonged to Kurama. Looking back at the window I noticed on the otherwise clean glass handprints and I couldn't control the shudder that took me over. He got up taking a few steps stopping when I turned to him glaring.

"Don't come any closer! What the fuck is this?"

His eyes analyzed the confusion on my face as my hands cut through the air, but wasn't sure I recognized him or knew what was going on. I must have been dreaming, there was no other plausible explanation. But in dreams you can't read, but I knew the time, I could smell the freshly washed sheets when I woke up, he had made coffee, I could smell that too.

"Calm down, nothing will happen to you."

Turning the curtains I saw wards that didn't allow others to see inside the apartments. Among other apparitions like ghosts I could only think about the Jagan possessor. So Hiei was going to hurt me?

"I…" running my fingers through my hair I couldn't find my words.

"You look pale, are you feeling well?" Biting down on my nails I shook my head taking a step back as he extended his hand to me "Alright, would you care to join me in the kitchen for some coffee?" he took note of how I analyzed the small kitchen and something told me he knew I didn't want to be that close to him "Or I'll bring some for you here." But this was all wrong, there was no way I was able to come back.

"Who were you talking to?"

"Yusuke."

I scoffed since I did not expect Yusuke to be picking up the phone that early in the morning. Setting the cup on the table he took a seat on the other side of the L shaped couch in order to give me my much desired space, but his eyes never left me.

"What?" I was on edge and still didn't know what to make of the situation given as he was carefully picking his words.

"We were all very worried about you."

That struck a nerve that shouldn't have been tampered with.

"Really? Worried?" I asked grinding my teeth "Then why don't you start by telling me what actually happened."

His eyes diverted as he rose the cup to his lips. I for one was shaking too hard to even considering being able to lift the cup without spilling half the coffee on me.

"I'm not going to be the one telling you all that happened, just know we did not approve."

"Oh!" I threw my hands in the air exasperated "That makes me feel better!" getting closer I really wanted to use him as my personal punching bag. Carefully placing the cup down he didn't move from his spot "How do I know you did not partake in all that happened?" the edges of his eyes sharpened, Kurama becoming very serious. It was clear I have insulted him.

"We didn't. While we found out the reason behind Hiei's choice, granted as much as he wanted to share, he should be the one to tell you everything. "

Laughter escaped my throat as I was getting fed up with everything and fast.

"Very nice of you, but I don't think Hiei is very willing to talk to me about it."

A small smile graced his lips as he picked the cup back up with a graceful hand.

"So you do remember us and who you are."

As I delivered my next line his lips pressed together in a thin line, his eyes losing their shine.

"I'm not Valery."

He nodded once calmly before going back to enjoying his coffee which made me consider mine as well. Quietly enjoying my own drink I started to think more clearly.

"I don't want to see anyone just yet Kurama."

But he already figured out that part. I could feel the heat of the cup, that was real. I could feel the fabric of the couch under me, also real. Coming closer to Kurama I stared at him but he made no sudden moves.

"Koenma said you would be different, that we should not expect the same person after the regression."

Ignoring his words entirely with a gesture of my hand we both looked at each other. I've…Valery has never been this close to Kurama so I got the confused look he was giving me. Touching his forearm I squeezed him a bit in order to confirm I wouldn't wake up as soon as I made contact with him.

"This isn't possible, I can't be here."

His free hand went on top of mine as he gave me a reassuring smile.

"You are here, this is very real."

"But you're not." I mentioned taking my hand away. I am real, not an anime character whose story ended and faded in the background. He blinked not understanding my words and sighed getting up.

"I'm going to go out for a few moments to pick up some clothes for you. Do you need anything else?"

All I could think about were cigarettes. Before leaving he placed in front of me the compact mirror used to communicated with Spirit World just in case I wanted to speak to Koenma in his absence. It was after he left that I realized there weren't any stores opened at that hour so surely he was going somewhere else. I had no cellular phone, no money on me. I needed Valery's stuff although half the shit she owned wouldn't fit me. Going through the living room I touched my forehead trying to think and then it hit me. Hiei also had a compact mirror with him. What if Kurama went to meet up with him? Another wave of terror washed over me as I opened it quickly and dialed.

All those emotions, questions and scenarios came rushing in as I stared at that screen. I felt my eyes sting so I didn't blink. But he avoided looking in my direction. So when for a second our eyes met I lost all my composure and spoke.

"You're sitting on my throne you little shit." It was then I was certain he truly saw me. Valery or no Valery I was going to get answers. But it came as a relief to know he was in Demon World.

An hour later I was surprised when Kurama returned with some clothes and a pack of cigarettes.

"They are borrowed, but they should work for now."

Rolling my eyes I took the cigarettes instead heading straight to the kitchen to smoke at the window. His hands quickly wrapped around my waist as he turned me away from the window and moved me closer to the counters.

"It's better to stay there."

Taking a long drag I could finally finish my coffee. I would have been lying if I said I wasn't happy in a sense. I just never figured Kurama being the one I would be able to reach. Him and Valery were friends yes but out of all of them he was the one she knew less about and that applied to me as well.

"He's in Demon World."

"I know where he is."

But he looked tense. He was watching out for anyone out there who would want to hurt me because even if I wanted to or not I was still the queen of Demon World, at least in the eyes of some.

"How much do you know about my current condition Kurama?"

There was no way that he could sugar coat it and I really enjoyed it that way.

"I know you are now human, we all do."

Good, at least if saved me the effort of trying to explain the shit storm all over again.

"Good, I'll speak with Koenma so I can go after to Valery's house."

His head turned to me as I put out the cigarette and threw it in the bin.

"No, you're to stay here, it's not safe for you alone in the middle of a forest. I have a guest bedroom that you can use. We'll buy for you all you require and you'll be staying with me." My brows lifted as I scoffed. What? Me and him under the same roof? "I work from 9 until 17:30, Monday to Friday so it will be a bit difficult due to that. But I'll get you a phone and you can contact me for anything. Yusuke and Keiko know you're with me, but you can stay with them while I am away if you wish."

"Ok enough" I was already up in his face causing him to lift his chin since I was taller than the Valery he knew "I appreciate your help but I can't impose. Put me in new clothes and a sword in my hands and I'll see to staying alive."

"Val…" but he didn't finish pronouncing that name "What happened? You have some scars that look fresh, old and new bruises all over from something. I can't believe you were just kicking back in your time line. Not with the state your body is in. You have been hurt across the face, the yellow around the eye and cracked lip are a testimony to that. Where were you really?"

I knew my eyes betrayed my pain. I have left behind the Shinsengumi without a word. Thinking back I started believing I actually dreamt about being in Portugal with my friends.

"Something happened, I started out there but I ended up where Koenma banished me in ancient Japan and I needed to get back."

Closing the window the drew the blinds and steered clear of me taking a seat at the table while he ran my words through his head.

"Why don't we speak with Koenma first?"


End file.
